Seminar Fall 2010 (51 photos), by Faith Lowery

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I have an announcement to make.

Hey guys. :)
Can I just say... Roller Derby... Saved my soul?

So... here is the deal. Saturday night, I went on a (rare) date with Jeff. I had one of those moments.. where I got so pissed off at life... because I'm about to have a birthday. (In 24 days to be exact.) I got so pissed off because I'm going to be 27... and I've been sick so long that I can't remember when I was well. And I was like... piss on this. I have wanted to do Roller Derby since high school... when there was NO ROLLER DERBY again or yet however you want to look at it. And I watched them, and I saw my friend Angela... (Dig this bad ass broad... LOVE HER!!)





She's gonna let me borrow skates & we're working out me borrowing gear, and track time, and I'm going to practice with them 6 hours a week, and aside from that, I'm going to skate, every day, and get healthy. I am gonna do this until I go in for surgery, and then it all depends on my recovery time. I am still going to go out for every practice, even if I can't skate (I already know, I won't be able to, I may not even be able to wear jeans... whatever.) I'm going to go to practice anyway, because I am dedicated... and I'm going to get healthy... and do this for ME and be happy... and become a derby girl. It will take time & serious dedication... but I'm doing it. Health be damned.

I will be practicing with the V-Town Derby Dames & V-Town Derby Darlings... this is their site: http://www.myspace.com/vtownderbydames

And this is them:


And I haven't been this excited about anything in .... maybe ever. This may be crazy, (My dad doesn't think its a good idea) but... this is for ME, and I'm going to be happy doing it. Maybe I suck at it, maybe I'm hell on wheels... who knows? Either way, I'm going to get excellent excercise, and I'm going to get healthier, and have an excellent way to get out my aggression.


Dig this song.



Now... I have to come up with a derby name for myself.
I was thinking Faith Fatale... but I kind of don't want to incorporate my real name in it. Scarlet Smasher? Too plain. I'm not a plain girl.

So... three things... one... What do you think?? :)
Two... Any suggestions for a derby name?? LOL!!
Three... If you're loaded for cash... please buy me cheapo roller skates for my birthday, ;) They have them for $34.99 at target, and I'm a size 7 1/2 or 8. ;) ;) ;)

This is my news.
Insert comments here.

Some latin, I'm saving for later

Non aliquis incipit convivium sine nobis! Nos Sumus convivium!=No one starts the party without us! We ARE the party!

Tu es dea, filia lunae=You are a goddess, a daughter of the moon.

O mater luna, regina nocis, adiuvo me nunc=Oh mother moon, queen of night, help me now.

Lecta/Lectus=Chosen one

Caper=He-Goat

Caprimulgus=Milker of goats

Id quod factum est, infectum esse potest.=What was done can be undone.

Quae tibi nocere possunt, etiam te adiuvare possunt.=What can harm you can also help you.

Demere personam tuam atque ad dominum tuum se referre=Take off your mask and return to your master.

Leva velamen=Lift the veil.

Si sine misercordia oppugnabis, tenebrae fies.=If you attack without compassion, you will become the darkness.

Cum oculus daemonis coniveat, ini terram vetitam.=When the demon eye blinks, enter the forbidden land.

Serva/Servus=slave

Nefandus=Not to be spoken of

Animis, non astutia.=By courage, not by cunning

Dea certe=Assuredly, a goddess

Citius venit periculum cum contemnatur.=Danger comes quickly when it isn't feared.

Day 03 - A picture of what you did today

Day 03 - A picture of what you did today

A dream I had.

I had a dream [or a glimpse of my life in another dimension, who knows] and I'm a successful narcotics officer, I'm happy, I'm good at my job, I enjoy it, I'm healthy, I'm in a solid relationship with another cop, and I have emphasis on helping little kids who get screwed up in drug homes when they're busted up and parents go away. But I'm not the least bit unhappy or unhealthy. And I'm in a bigger city too, I couldn't tell where. I absorbed as many details as I could... even the coffee, & color of my hair, it was very interesting.

I had my natural blonde hair, I was wearing boots & tailored jeans, a button down pinstriped top & had my hair pinned up. I was wearing a fitted to my waist length leather jacket, and almost no makeup on. Powder, eyeliner, mascara. I had a coffee cup in my hand, steaming, and it was a department mug, and my left hand was covering the logo so I still couldn't see what city I was in. Lol!

There were more details, but I couldn't explain them to make them make sense to anyone. Like the smell of fresh lumber, early mornings, the air made me think I was near water, being a superior officer to several others, but not so superior I'm not in the field, and respected by my peers, and the ability to get through to these kids. It was all very interesting.

Day 02 - A picture of what you wore today

Day 02 - A picture of what you wore today


that shirt & these jeans

Day 01 - A picture of yourself

Day 01 - A picture of yourself

Booklist shizz 8/24/10

So, I'm doing this thing with Evie, where we talk about the books we're reading & stuff... and since uts tyoed out :diddle I thought I'd post. This is my current book list. Its RAD! I'm gonna list all the books I've read in 2010, and rate them 1-5 on a spreadsheet soon. I'm trying to keep track of Evie's too, so I can read what she's read that I haven't. (It's a BFF thing. Plus our taste is identical, except I love the Vampire Diaries series and she didn't.)

Here!

1. Eternal - Cynthia Leitich Smith (done)
2. Tantalize - Cynthia Leitich Smith (done)
3. Blind Faith – Ellen Wittlinger
4. Heart on my sleeve – Ellen Wittlinger (book in email format!)
5. Define “Normal” – Julie Peters
6. Maximum Ride series: Angel Experiment (1) – James Patterson * - missing title; on order
7. Maximum Ride series: Schools out Forever (2)– James Patterson
8. Maximum Ride series: Saving the world & other extreme sports (3) – James Patterson
9. Maximum Ride series: The Final Warning (4) – James Patterson
10. Maximum Ride series: Max (5) – James Patterson
11. Maximum Ride series: Fang (6) – James Patterson
12. The SWEEP series: The Book of Shadows (1) – Cate Tiernan* - missing title; on order
13. The SWEEP series: The Coven (2) – Cate Tiernan
14. The SWEEP series: Blood Witch (3) – Cate Tiernan
15. The SWEEP series: Dark Magick (4) – Cate Tiernan
16. The SWEEP series: Awakening (5) – Cate Tiernan
17. The SWEEP series: Spellbound (6) – Cate Tiernan * - missing title; on order
18. The SWEEP series: The Calling (7) – Cate Tiernan
19. The SWEEP series: Changeling (8) – Cate Tiernan
20. The SWEEP series: Strife (9) – Cate Tiernan
21. The SWEEP series: Seeker (10) – Cate Tiernan
22. The SWEEP series: Origins (11) – Cate Tiernan
23. The SWEEP series: Eclipse (12) – Cate Tiernan
24. The SWEEP series: Reckoning (13) – Cate Tiernan
25. The SWEEP series: Full Circle (14) – Cate Tiernan
26. The SWEEP series: Night’s Child (1) – Cate Tiernan* - missing title; on order
27. Shadow People – Joyce McDonald
28. The Rules of Survival – Nancy Werlin
29. Flora Segunda – Ysabeau S. Wilce
30. Daughters of the Moon Series: Goddess of the Night (1) - Lynne Ewing (done)
31. Daughters of the Moon Series: Into the Cold Fire (2)- Lynne Ewing (done)
32. Daughters of the Moon Series: Night Shade (3)- Lynne Ewing (done)
33. Daughters of the Moon Series: The Secret Scroll (4) - Lynne Ewing (done)
34. Daughters of the Moon Series: The Sacrifice (5) - Lynne Ewing (done)
35. Daughters of the Moon Series: The Lost One (6) - Lynne Ewing (done)
36. Daughters of the Moon Series: Moon Demon (7) - Lynne Ewing
37. Daughters of the Moon Series: Possession (8) - Lynne Ewing
38. Daughters of the Moon Series: The Choice (9) - Lynne Ewing * - missing title; on order
39. Daughters of the Moon Series: The Talisman (10) - Lynne Ewing
40. Daughters of the Moon Series: The Prophecy (11) - Lynne Ewing
41. Daughters of the Moon Series: The Becoming (12) - Lynne Ewing
42. Daughters of the Moon Series: The Final Eclipse (13) - Lynne Ewing

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Phenomena

Watched the Ruins for the first time just now. Was kinda okay in a rad way. Then at the end credit I was like, what is that song? I know it... I love it... what is it? WHO is it? Well. Here we go.

might as well get this over with.

Hey guys.
Let me preface this with, please, I don't want you to say you're so sorry or anything, its not like that. I don't want sympathy, I'm simply giving an explanation to something for my friends.

You all know I've been sick, a long time. I battle migraines regularly, as well as Chron's disease, but there has been something else. Something that has been around for 3 years, that went undiagnosed until April 2009. My previous doctor was my doctor of 7 years, and he misdiagnosed me with cervical cancer and preovarian cancer. Some of you know that I went thru chemo and everything. And didn't have it. [Well, preovarian, I did, I do, but what he was treating me for, was false.] He was wrong. But I trusted him. Thats why I am leery to come out about this now.

Last tuesday, August 17th, I got my biopsy results back from my doctor. Now, before I get into it, there are 2 facts you'll need to know to understand why its weird for me to have this. 1) I am NEGATIVE for HPV of any level. 2) I am under the age of 50 obviously. But I do have autoimmune disorder.

Now, what I have is Cancer. It is called Vulvar Intraepithelial Neoplasia. But mine is not precancerous neoplasia, its cancerous, stage 2, stage 3 is the worst. Shorthand for it is VIN2. Its uncommon, unless a girl has hpv, but I dont have hpv, or anyother std or anything, never have had. But these lumps under my skin, I have had for 3 years that I know of, maybe longer that the doctor (nor myself) noticed.

I've been leery to come out about it, when it is the real deal, because I don't want all the questions. Like, "why should we believe you now, or how do you know its for real" when even my boyfriend is questioning me, saying "whats different now, why are you scared now" and acting entirely unphased, when all I want, is for him to give me the love and support that I need... because I am coming apart at the seams. My dad is too. I've only told my dad, my boyfriend, Evie, and Jenn.... up until now. My dad is flipping, Evie isn't talking about it (for good reason, I'm sure, she always has good reasons for everything she does or doesn't do) and as I said, Jeff, is acting unphased, and truly doesn't believe that they're right. The fact of the matter is, its the 2nd, 3rd and 4th opinions. The biopsy was analyzed, and conclusive, but the doctor sent the sample out of state, for a specialist's opinion, just in case.

When I went in for the biopsy, he told me, "I'm positive this is nothing. But since you're worried about it, we're going to check it out anyway." Ironic, right? Unfortunately, he IS human, and he was wrong, it was something afterall, and DOUBLE unfortunately, Jeff was there when he said he was positive its nothing.... therefore he doubts the doctor, the results, and in my opinion, my word, but I could just be being sensitive.

He hasn't walked out yet, so I guess that means he's here. But its going to get ugly. I started a treatment wednesday, and had a severe adverse reaction that, I just cannot bring myself to say, but they had to stop the treatment, and I go in the 31st, and we're going to re-assess my options. Surgery is in my near future, and that is about all I know.

So... there it is.

A poem worth reading. [Dedicated to Lt. Matt Parker, USMC]

My dad sent me this. I found it... priceless. And true.



> He was getting old and paunchy
> And his hair was falling fast,
> And he sat around the Legion,
> Telling stories of the past.
>
> Of a war that he once fought in
> And the deeds that he had done,
> In his exploits with his buddies;
> They were heroes, every one.
>
> And 'tho sometimes to his neighbors
> His tales became a joke,
> All his buddies listened quietly
> For they knew whereof he spoke.
>
> But we'll hear his tales no longer,
> For ol' Bob has passed away,
> And the world's a little poorer
> For a soldier died today.
>
> He won't be mourned by many,
> Just his children and his wife.
> For he lived an ordinary,
> Very quiet sort of life..
>
> He held a job and raised a family,
> Going quietly on his way;
> And the world won't note his passing,
> 'Tho a soldier died today.
>
> When politicians leave this earth,
> Their bodies lie in state,
> While thousands note their passing,
> And proclaim that they were great.
>
> Papers tell of their life stories
> From the time that they were young
> But the passing of a soldier
> Goes unnoticed, and unsung.
>
> Is the greatest contribution
> To the welfare of our land,
> Some jerk who breaks his promise
> And cons his fellow man?
>
> Or the ordinary fellow
> Who in times of war and strife,
> Goes off to serve his country
> And offers up his life?
>
> The politician's stipend
> And the style in which he lives,
> Are often disproportionate,
> To the service that he gives.
>
> While the ordinary soldier,
> Who offered up his all,
> Is paid off with a medal
> And perhaps a pension, small.
>
> It's so easy to forget them,
> For it is so many times
> That our Bobs and Jims and Johnnys,
> Went to battle, but we know,
>
> It is not the politicians
> With their compromise and ploys,
> Who won for us the freedom
> That our country now enjoys.
>
> Should you find yourself in danger,
> With your enemies at hand,
> Would you really want some cop-out,
> With his ever waffling stand?
>
> Or would you want a soldier--
> His home, his country, his kin,
> Just a common soldier,
> Who would fight until the end.
>
> He was just a common soldier,
> And his ranks are growing thin,
> But his presence should remind us
> We may need his like again.
>
> For when countries are in conflict,
> We find the soldier's part
> Is to clean up all the troubles
> That the politicians start.
>
> If we cannot do him honor
> While he's here to hear the praise,
> Then at least let's give him homage
> At the ending of his days.
>
> Perhaps just a simple headline
> In the paper that might say:
> "OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING,
> A SOLDIER DIED TODAY."
>
> Pass On The Patriotism!
> YOU can make a difference
>
>
>
> A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life,
>
> wrote a blank check made payable to
> 'The United States' for an amount "up to and including my life."
> That is Honor, and there are way too many people
>
> in this country who no longer understand

In loving memory of USMC Lt. Matthew Parker, MIA 2003 discovered KIA August 14 2006. Kandahar by way of Camp Lejune, NC, by way of New Orleans, La. Born to be a Marine, Died a proud Marine, doing what you loved. I never stopped looking for you my friend. You're not the only one, but you were the last I got word of. Thanks for pushing me so hard, and believing in me. Sorry I didn't listen. I'll never forget. And every time I stand for the pledge of allegiance, and stand silent for our National Anthem, or defend our soldiers to IDIOTS, and when the tears sting my eyes, I remember you, with the 12 others I lost in "that period of time" but your voice still rings loud in my ears. "You can do anything you want chere." ... "The sky is yours." .... "Your heart is braver than most of my men." ... " I'd be proud to have you in my unit, but you probably take my job." ... "You can do this chere, don't listen to them." ... "Don't be distracted by no one." Matt had a cajun meets southern accent. He was a good man to the bone. Had these words tattooed across his shoulders: Semper Fidelis. And he was.



Just because I don't speak, doesn't mean I've forgotten. I'm still, so very proud of you, old friend. I wish, I had listened.

Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

There are many things I need to forgive me for. None of which I am prepared to actually do yet. Starting with my temper, and the resolute level of temperment that doesn't simmer down. The biggest thing I have to forgive is... being a civilian.

[Raptor]

I don't think I was ever intended to be a civilian. I was pre-destined to be military like I was predestined to be awesome with shears & makeup. I... should be up every day at 0430, at the gym at 0500, reporting for flight briefings by 0630 and in the air, in a JET all day long. Touch & goes, flight ops, bombing runs, and aircraft carriers, breaking the sound barrier.


[Super Hornet]

Doing my part. BUT I'm not. The mistakes leading me up to THIS path, I may never forgive myself for. I don't know that I'd have been ABLE to carry through with that dream.

[Joint Strike Fighter]

My health hasn't been great... ever, really. But especially since I was 15. So the question is, would it be better, if I was living my #1 dream? Can't say. I can say, I can't even complete school for dream #2, because of said health issues. Will I ever forgive these things? Probably not. Will I ever voice the other things I need to forgive myself for? Probably not. I'm too much of a masochist for that kind of catharsis.

[[&&In case anyone is feeling the need to be a smartass, I realize that the Hornet/Super Hornet is a crossover jet and that one type of JSF will be Navy, another will be USMC and the majority will be airforce and that the Raptor will go to the highest bidder. So, save critical commentary for someone who will not crush you in this argument.]]

Day 02: Something you love about yourself.

Day 02: Something you love about yourself.

Much harder to identify what I love.
I suppose I love my ability TO love. I love that I don't see myself as "above reading", I love that I'd rather read the book than watch the movie. I love that I am analytical enough that I dive further into things mentally than necessary & learn much along the way. I love that even though I am broken, fucked up, cynical & full of anger... that I am still able to help people, and pass along important messages. Help other people not repeat my mistakes. I am also still able to cry, I guess that means a large part of me is still alive... despite what I'd believe. I love that I can write as well as I can, and I love that I am different than anyone & everyone else, and I especially love that I am undefinable.



I love that I can rock any look I want, when I put in the effort and that I am as diverse as I am, and I love to know that as much as I hate myself I can always bounce back.

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.

Where to start. I hate... my emotions. My past. My health. & my temper. I have fantastic intentions all the time, but usually something gets in the way of my finishing it. Making me an excellent starter and a piss poor finisher. I hate... that my favorite thing to do is read, and it causes me the most physical pain, giving me a migraine if I read more than 5 or 6 pages. I hate, that I am so emotionally susceptible to... everything. I hate that my anger turns to saddness.

But most of all, I hate, that every single one of those things I listed that I hate up there, ball up into the same ONE singular thing I hate about myself.



I hate that I used to love, and trust so easily, because I believed that people were real & sincere, and because of my own naivety I am one of the most jaded cynical people I've ever encountered & I am entirely unapolagetic about it, because it has been earned. Everyone whose ever been anyone in my life has seriously hurt me, burned me, trashed me, used me, abused me, and then of course... left. My dad has never left, I'm thankful for that. Last year I started over. A new course of people, starting in october really, although I should say it started with Melanie showing me something in myself I hadn't seen before. Melanie was the gateway to me believing in starting over. Granted my dad told me forever, but you know what its like. Your parents or the person closest to you sees the best in you & takes your side right or wrong, so it becomes commonplace to hear it & appreciate it but not see it as fathomable. But I did. I officially MET Melanie in April of last year, our communication was scant, but later in the year she was there for me when LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE SO CALLED FRIEND I HAD IN THIS TOWN TURNED THEIR BACK ON ME. She made me feel human again. So did her mom. My dad saw a change in me. I started to let people in & shut others out. Because of this I met Lj, who then introduced me to Kelly, Shannah, & David & Aimee & Christine.... I also met Anna because of Melanie, and Lauren, therefore Liz, and its like a family tree that blossoms out. Jeff came along later, November, with him came other new people, that I also cherish. Michelle, Arcadio, and so on.... Of course my closest friend, Evie never left. Oddly enough, I've never met her. ;)

In this process of growth, [reffering back to what I hate about myself] friendships died that I never saw dying. I was burned harder, the cuts were deeper & the "friendships" closer. Friendships like Saida, Cristal, Kaci, Cary, Andrea [whom I've known for 13 years, & decided to hate me for something she invented, blaming me for something I didn't do...] and unfortunately the list goes on. I hate, that these things bother me. I feel it should have no affect on me because I should be immune to it by now. But I'm not, and I hate that about myself.

Now I have people in my life, some have been here a year, two years, others just a few months, but the question remains who will end up being an actual friend, being close to me, and who is just passing through.

I hate, that I will probably always wonder.

<3



that's it for day one. Tune in tomorrow for more shit you may or may not want to read about me.

30 days of blog

So this is from another website. Write a new blog everyday based on whatever day it is. Be honest. Even if you can't share it, write it for yourself & make it private. Pass it on.

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02: Something you love about yourself.
Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13; A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18; Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20; Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

My letter & plea for medical help.

This is the letter I sat down & wrote. I am sending it to Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, "The Doctors", UCLA, UCSF, UC Davis, Johns Hopkins, Duke, Stanford, Sansom Clinic. Those are all I've thought of, and that my friends have suggested. If you have further suggestions, please fill me in.
_______________________________________________________________________
Before I was walking, my mother set me on a concrete picnic bench at a park, and turned her back & I fell head first & hit right on my hairline in the middle of my forehead on a concrete floor. To this minute I have a cranial “lump” where I hit my head, that I try to hide with my bangs. I have told every doctor that has ever treated me, and they never look into it, they slough it off like it is no big deal. I remember being in first grade and second grade and having headaches so bad it affected the way I would hear the teacher & see the board. I always had to be moved to the front of the classroom. When I was 9, they became noticeably worse; I attribute it to hormones because that is when I hit puberty. When I was 15 I was officially diagnosed with migraines. I have had these “headaches” as long as I can remember. Now at the age of 26, I can honestly say that I get them almost daily. They start as an agitating headache & progress rapidly into a migraine. At least 3 days out of the week, my light sensitivity and sound sensitivity get so bad, that I have to have total silence, I cannot drive, I cannot go outside, I cannot have the lights on, and I throw up violently. When I am lucky, and do not throw up, the nausea is unbearable. Caffeine has been known to help, although not remove the headache. I have been on every migraine medication that I have ever heard of, so many, that I have honestly lost track of the mental list. Some made me worse, others just made me catatonic. Others still yet (Depacote, Topomax) gave me such awful side effects that there was no way to distinguish whether or not there was improvement. Migraines are by far the worst malady I suffer, however, not the only. When I was 16 I was sent in for a colonoscopy because of stomach problems I was having, and was diagnosed with Gastritis & Irritable Bowel Syndrome (the latter, I dismissed, thinking the doctor was giving me a generic diagnosis, not taking me seriously.) When I was either 20, or 21, I was diagnosed with Chron’s Disease, Chron’s Colitis, and Irritable bowel disease. This was after a 4 day stay in the hospital, from chronic diarrhea & vomiting leading to severe dehydration. The doctor at the emergency room (from where I was admitted) had the foresight to check both my upper GI tract as well as my lower, and referred me to a gastroenterologist for follow-up. I still suffer Chron’s flairs constantly. I’m in a really bad catch 22, because the migraines make me stressed, the stress triggers Chron’s, I get violently sick, which makes my headaches worse. Needless to say it affects my mental disposition, makes my depression worse, makes me more stressed, triggers my Chron’s, makes my headaches worse. Or I have an anxiety attack, which triggers a migraine, and then my Chron’s gets worse, which makes me more depressed/anxious/stressed. I’ve gotten so sick, on several occasions, that I have to go to the ER to get rehydrated, because I cannot keep down fluids or food. On a daily basis, every muscle, every joint in my body hurts so bad that normal life function is almost impossible. In addition to this, when I was 16 I was misdiagnosed with Endometriosis, and the gynecologist gave me a shot of Lupron as a solution, putting my body through fake menopause. It has left me with a myriad of side effects that still plague me to this day. I have “female issues” that are quite extensive, including dysmenorrheal that when allowed to have a menstrual cycle, is so bad I literally am unable to stand and walk, so we’re constantly rotating types of birth control to stop my periods. At the moment it is Depo-Provera, which I am having luck with in THAT department, but I am well aware that one of the many side effects is increased, more severe headaches. I can’t win. I cannot get proper medical treatment, because I cannot afford insurance. I cannot hold a job, because I always end up too sick, and get fired or asked to quit. I miss too much time. Therefore I have no income. I have been denied disability because I am only 26 and do not “have enough work history.” I have been denied SSI three times, and am filing again, this time I’m hoping an attorney will help me with my case so I can get medical help. As it stands, I am miserable; I am unable to live my daily life. I cannot afford Botox, or any Triptan medications, although they didn’t help much anyway, the only thing that ever gave me temporary relief was the Imitrex injections, but even those didn’t last. Imitrex nasal spray made me worse, and Imitrex pills made me have rebound headaches worse than the original migraine. Midrin did nothing, Zomig did nothing, there are many others, but as I mentioned, I cannot remember all of their names. My pain gets so bad, I get halos, then my vision gets blurry, and I go “blind” so to speak, I cannot make anything out. I cannot eat normal healthy foods, because vegetables make my Chron’s ten times worse, I cannot eat the unhealthy fried foods, because they make me sick, I cannot eat anything hot or spicy because it renders me sick for several days. I have cut so much out of my diet that there is not much I CAN eat because of how sick it makes me. Eating is a stressor, because inevitably anything I eat makes me sick. My Chron’s is not under control with medication, again because of no money or insurance. I have been to so many neurologists, and gastroenterologists (when I was married, I am not long since divorced) and none of them were able to help me. Gastroenterologists’ tried various medications until they stopped working, and then resolved to not knowing what else to do, and passed me along to another doctor. The same thing happens with neurologists. When I get passed to a new doctor, they start me over at square one and I have to go through the whole routine again, I’m like a car, stuck in the mud. The wheels are turning but I’m not getting anywhere. I have been to UCLA, UCSF, Sansom Clinic, and Dr. Neil Raskin at UCSF referred me back to my hometown neurologist, who said, “I’ve done everything I know to do, and I am not sure what else to do to help you.” UCLA told me to change my diet & do yoga, I told her that I did do yoga and had been doing it for a few years at that time, and she said, then there was nothing she could do to help me because everything she would advise to try had already been done, I did try the diet change (again) that she suggested because I know as we age our bodies change. When I first was diagnosed, my neurologist had me cut out itemized things one at a time to make sure it wasn’t an allergen that was causing it. None of the foods at the time proved to be the cause, but, since I was older when I went to UCLA, I did it again, but had the same results. Sansom Clinic had ideas for treatment that required me to stay for 2 weeks, but I was financially unable to afford the stay at that time, and very soon after (within months, and before I was able to afford it) I lost my insurance, because I turned 18. I come from a single parent household, my mother is deceased, and my father is disabled and cannot afford to give me financial assistance, as he barely gets by. I have no other family. When I go to the ER, they have a special county program that I have to jump through hoops for (and I do) and it is supposed to pay for the ER visit and subsequent medication & hospital stay when admitted and the doctor that I see while I am there. Somehow, everytime, 3-5 months later, I am sent bills, for thousands of dollars, hence another trigger of stress & panic & desperation, hence another trigger of major migraine & severe Chron’s flair, and another trip to the ER, add that to my catch 22. I have tried biofeedback, acupuncture, acupressure, botox, yoga, medications, Cranial Sacro Therapy, none help me more than temporarily. I am pleading, for someone, to please help me find the cause to cure it, and not just treat the symptoms. I have since then declined health wise to the point that yoga kills me, pain wise, and I am literally, in constant pain twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. It is negatively affecting my relationship and the rest of my life in general. I even had to literally fight to keep my driver’s license, because one doctor wanted to send paperwork to the state and have my license revoked. If that were to happen, I couldn’t legally get my disable father to the doctor or hospital in case of emergency, or myself, since sometimes I am the only option to get myself there, and that would potentially get me arrested, because I could not pay the fine, adding more stress adding more illness. PLEASE, if you cannot help me, can you refer, or recommend me to someone who can? There has to be an organization somewhere willing to help me, that I just haven’t found, although I have been researching for years. My dad is in poor health, he is going to be 66 in October, and has been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is fighting cancer for the second time, and this is causing him a great deal of stress as I am his only child & he worries what is going to happen to me, if something happens to him. We are the only family each other has.
I thank you, very much for your time in reading this, and any consideration and/or cooperation that you give my circumstance.
Very Respectfully,
Faith Lowery
..............
Visalia, Ca. 93277
(559) --- ----
(559) --- ----
Scarletmaleficent@yahoo.com –or- xxxxxxxxxx@xxxxxxxxxx
(The latter is my father’s, as most days, it is extremely difficult for me to look at a computer screen, and I often do not get to check my email as a result.)

This is the surgery I'm contemplating

Migraine Relief

Shows

Shows

Migraine Sufferers, READ THIS!

Hi guys. So I'm working on getting help with my lifelong migraine battle. I found this article. His English syntax is different, so try and fill in the adverbs yourself, but this article is so full of knowledge.

The author:
http://www.thedoctorstv.com/migrainesurgery

The source:
http://www.thedoctorstv.com/migrainesurgery/posts/5948-When-Money-Come-first-disasters-happen-

"When Doctors in FDA and AAN (American academy of neurology) knew about my migraine surgery, and my migraine new truth that only extra cranial arteries causes all kinds of migraine headaches, and still agree to give migraine patients TRIPTANS, and BOTOX, this mean one think that Money come first not the health of migraine patients.

You can see this truth easy.

They give Triptans medications for relief of migraine headaches!

You will see how silly to give Triptans that make all vessels of the body to contract while the vessels that need this medications are only on the skin.

Triptans can kill migraine patients because Triptans make the vessels of the heart too much smaller in diameter, so this mean less blood can supply the heart muscles.

Can you imagine if young migraine patients have migraine and he has to play a football game, and he has migraine headaches? He will take 2 tabs of triptans because he needs too much to play this game.

In the time of game his heart need too much blood supply, but due to Triptans heart vessels can't give the blood. The heart reaction in this case can be fatal.

How many migraine patients were suicides since FDA and AAN knew about my migraine surgery in 2001, 2000 for AAN.

AAN said that migraine is the first reason for suicides in youth ages.

About Botox in migraine you can read this:
http://www.thedoctorstv.com/migrainesurgery/posts/5828-Botox-the-Big-Lie-for-migraine
Everyone who hides the truth he is responsible of migraine patient's suicides, and side effects of Triptans and Botox.
I think that money come first not only in FDA and AAN, but also in the place that can go after the truth even if FDA and AAN want to hide it."

"Healthified" Blueberry-Lemon Tart

"Healthified" Blueberry-Lemon Tart

Crust
1/3 cup butter, softened
3 tablespoons packed brown sugar
2 tablespoons fat-free egg product
1 cup Gold Medal® all-purpose flour
Filling
1/2 cup lemon curd (from 10-oz jar)
1/2 cup fat-free sour cream

1. Heat oven to 400°F. In medium bowl, beat butter and brown sugar with electric mixer on low speed until fluffy. Beat in egg product until blended. Beat in flour until dough forms. Press dough firmly in bottom and up side of ungreased 9-inch tart pan with removable bottom. Prick bottom thoroughly with fork.
2. Bake 10 to 12 minutes or until light golden brown. If crust puffs in center, prick with fork. Cool 30 minutes or until completely cooled.
3. In small bowl, beat lemon curd and sour cream with wire whisk until smooth. Spread evenly over crust. Refrigerate at least 1 hour. Just before serving, top with blueberries.

What is “Healthified”?
We've replaced ingredients with great-tasting alternatives to create better-for-you recipes that are just as yummy as the originals.
Success
Because the crust will sometimes puff a little in the middle during baking, pricking it again after baking helps "deflate" the puffing. One or two pokes with a fork should do the trick!
Substitution
Use raspberries or strawberries in place of the blueberries, or any combo of the three, for a berry good way to take advantage of seasonal specials.

Nutrition Information:
1 Serving: Calories 200 (Calories from Fat 60); Total Fat 7g (Saturated Fat 4 1/2g, Trans Fat 0g); Cholesterol 30mg; Sodium 80mg; Total Carbohydrate 31g (Dietary Fiber 1g, Sugars 18g); Protein 2g Percent Daily Value*: Vitamin A 6%; Vitamin C 4%; Calcium 2%; Iron 4% Exchanges: 1/2 Starch; 1 1/2 Other Carbohydrate; 0 Vegetable; 1 1/2 Fat Carbohydrate Choices: 2
*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet

The pain of wonder.

I mourn for the solace of the arms that could hold
And the love he could give
And my eyes, whose tears sting
Like the acid of the rain
That falls in the melting of my heart
In the silence of my mind
That rips me apart.
The advantage in this game
In this war that is played
That destroys every bit of sanity I've found.
The peace he could bring
With the eyes that cut deep
And the words that shred through my thoughts
The lonliness that burns
As my bleeding stomach churns
As I scream
And I beg to release me
From this pain
Love me forever whole & true
Or not at all
Each night through
Don't leave me to wonder
And wander alone
These dangerous thoughts...
For the love that I mourn.

NHRA Story » Accident claims life of Alcohol Funny Car competitor in Englishtown

This is so terrible, tragic. All my respect and condolences to the Parker family, his race team and his fellow racers.

NHRA Story » Accident claims life of Alcohol Funny Car competitor in Englishtown

Broken down

I go to bed, but I do not sleep.
My head hangs heavy above my heart.
The pain so intense
I no longer feel.
Broken down and tear stained cheeks
Blood shot eyes, I hide my face.
You can see my pain but you cannot feel
How deep the wound
that will not heal.

My major 80's moment

Jeff. You'll never read this, I know you, BUT, no matter what... this is it. I'll always love you.




You should've seen by the look in my eyes, baby
There was somethin' missin'
You should've known by the tone of my voice, maybe
But you didn't listen

You played dead but you never bled
Instead you lay still in the grass
All coiled up and hissin'

And though I know all about those men
Still I don't remember
'Cause it was us baby, way before then
And we're still together

And I meant, every word I said
When I said that I love you
I meant that I love you forever

And I'm gonna keep on lovin' you
'Cause it's the only thing I wanna do
I don't wanna sleep, I just wanna keep on lovin' you

And I meant every word I said
When I said that I love you
I meant that I love you forever

And I'm gonna keep on lovin' you
'Cause it's the only thing I wanna do
I don't wanna sleep, I just wanna keep on lovin' you

Baby, I'm gonna keep on lovin' you
'Cause it's the only thing I wanna do
I don't wanna sleep, I just wanna keep on lovin' you

Keep on lovin' you, baby

© FATE MUSIC

Nope.

I cannot, take anymore.
Of anything, from anyone.
I am always there to help people
solve their problems
and pick up their own broken fucking
lives and when I fall apart Im on my own.
And to some, I point it out & get
the classic response "Oh" or "I know"

Well ya know what?
I don't get paid enough to fix your life
in fact I dont get paid at all.

Now, I am dealing with shit of my own.
Big shit.
So please don't start with me.

AS for real life & whats happening...
I don't think I can deal with much more there, either.
And apparently no one is listening when I beg
to PLEASE not wake up from this sleep.

Fucking sick sadistic universe.

3 years ago, this day.

Sometimes, someone so dynamic walks through your life...
that when they walk away, the energy they had still resonates
through every fiber of your being.
so that when you close your eyes you can still feel them there.
Remember their touch, their smell and their smile.
and you can’t help but smile, …. Back at the memory.
and you look beside you as you see their footprints...
far to strong to fade away.
And still... I live on. My life a map of everything I am, and ever have been, remembering sights unseen and uncried tears, and tracing the laugh lines they left behind.
T.Paul's body may not be here... but he's more alive than ever.

He ... is... like the wind. Everywhere. Only alive and well and on his way around the world and back.... schooling *us* on what it is to be unabashedly happy.... without reservations. Its amazing.....
But, then… as I said, sometimes, someone so dynamic walks through your life...
that when they walk away, the energy they had still resonates
through every fiber of your being.
so that when you close your eyes you can still feel them there.
Remember their touch, their smell and their smile.
and you can’t help but smile, …. Back at the memory.
and you look beside you as you see their footprints...
far to strong to fade away.
Copyright Faith Lowery 2010

♥♥Timothy Paule Ste. Marie♥♥
"Sorrow rebuild me as I step out of the light Misery strengthen me as I say my goodbyes I heal my wounds with grief And dream of you And weep myself alive" - HIM





The only person to ever loved me unconditionally died May 31 2007.
His name was T.Paul Ste. Marie... he was... is... my best friend. Three years later, I still find myself forcing breathe between the tears, But I close my eyes, and still see him there.

After he died, too little too late I learned to appreciate every moment of my life. Until my last breath my friend, missing you always.





Where The Moss Slowly Grows

And so another journey has come to an end
Another moment passed
that will not, will not come again
Resting in the shade of oaks,
so it has always been
And it's true that i'll miss you
but i'll see, i'll see you again
I'll see you again

Embrace, this joy this pain
Don't miss this chance, it will not come again
You mean more than you may ever know
Don't linger where the moss slowly grows

There are so many things I wish I could've said
It might not have changed your mind
but sometimes we just need hope alleged
Above the mountains shadow
the sunset timly glows
The oaks will look down on our heads
forever and our dreams will be no more
We should not ever let them go

Embrace, this joy, this pain
Don't miss this chance, it will not come again
You mean more than you may ever know
Don't linger where the moss slowly grows

I remember those summers
stretched on without end
Future comes so loudly and the oaks,
the oaks were silent then
Silence forever, conversations in my head
Might not have changed your mind
but if we'd spoken
Here's what i'd have said
Here's what I would've said....

Embrace, this joy this pain
Don't miss this chance, it will not come again
You mean more than you may ever know
Don't linger where the moss slowly grows

so, its my buddy Gzus' birthday...

And since it is, he gets to be spotlighted, dig it or not. ;-)



For Gzus...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

YOU'RE ONE BAD ASS JUNKIE
AND I'M SO GLAD TO KNOW YOU.



Ya Junkie cheeseball shit right there, but I love you brother! I hope you have an amazing birthday... I wish you were closer so we could help you celebrate, BUT when you guys get back from touring... don't count the idea out!! I hope its the best birthday so far... and I am so glad, to call you friend. You are among the tiny group of people I can validly call 'hero' and the shit you've indirectly helped me through is priceless... but truthfully after ALL these years... the person that you are, is a blessing to my life. Again, I love you & Happy Birthday. <3



and we're gonna have an ongoing birthday wish thread for you over here at http://vampirefreaks.com/group_comment.php?entry=3973206

So... stop by when you can.



h3ro. thats you.

Fucking stressed out anniversary.

I swear.
Its our "anniversary"
and doesn't even feel like it.
Hello?? Do I even reister on the radar?
I don't THINK so....
I have done some shit today
that broke my heart
was not fun, and totally sucked...
and am dealing with 4 dying puppies
born last night... that should not
by any means of justification exist
because they're inbred
and when I found out she was prego
I flipped and I'm depressed as fuck
and stupid sad and whatever.
I gotta go.

on a seperate note...
It shoulda been me.

profound honest quote of the day.

"the useless drags the empty days the lonely towers of long mistakes. forgotten faces & faded loves, sitting still was never enough." -Smashing Pumpkins, Here is no why.

i had this dream about someone, living far away, and I was working in that area... goddess knows why... but i was, and they lived up a small mountain... and had this place that spread out pretty decent, and of all things had skate ramps setup in the back... I had the address and walked, because one cannot drive and reach the house so i walked, and it was snowing and the trail thing was really thin and it was extremely difficult, but I finally made it. They were surprised, but glad to see me, and they were like, "how come you didn't call? I would've picked you up." and I gave them this look: and said "because you don't have a phone" and so we hung out and talked for a few hours & i left because i had to walk down the path again to get to my hotel for work. Fast forward 7 weeks, and I'm back working in the same place, and i do the same thing. Only this time I am carrying a blueberry loaf... because I made them one from scratch to have, and im having a super hard time navigating this path holding this loaf, but i finally get there, and they're not so happy to see me, they're irritated, but they had 7 other people at the house,and they were all in the back skating in the snow and they were like "i wish you would've called, I would've been ready" and again I give you this face, and say "You don't have a phone..." and they were like, "I do too, I got one 7 days ago, you can call or text, its gonna cost you $7 per text message."
[the recurrance of the number 7 is so bizzare.] So I give them the loaf, and they think its dumb, and its later in the day, I didnt stay very long because there is no light to see to get down the trails, so I leave and its... dusk-ish... and I asked them if they'd walk with me to the head of the trail [down the street from their house, because they did last time] and they say, "No, its too dangerous." and I'm like... "Ya I know its dangerous, Im the one who walked up here alone, and is walking back alone because I wanted to see you while I had the chance, are you seriously not gonna walk down the street with me?" and they were like "Seriously, its too dangerous, I'm sorry, but if you would've called I would've told you not to come."

.... =( ....

Not, a happy dream. at least not the second half.


Fact: Five minutes after the end of the dream, half the content is forgotten. After ten minutes, 90% is lost. can you imagine the in between details that im not remembering?
So, since so much stuck with me, I interpreted elements where I could:

dream interpretation:
7, snow, mountain, unreachable, dangerous, sad, blueberry loaf, fear

Snow
To see snow in your dream, signifies your inhibitions, repressed/unexpressed emotions and feelings of frigidity. You need to release and express these emotions and inhibitions. You may also be feeling indifferent, alone and neglected. If the snow is melting, then it suggests that you are acknowledging and releasing emotions you have repressed. You are overcoming your fears and obstacles. If the snow is dirty, then it refers to a loss in innocence, impurity and uncleanness. Some aspect of yourself or situation has been tainted. It also relates to frozen emotion. Icy snow that is unmoving and frozen, symbolizes lack of change in emotion.

mountain/fear - mountains are the place where heaven and earh meet. the mountain providing passaage from one plane to another [be it a plane of normalcy to happiness, or life to death]. The mountain is a sacred place symbolizing aspiration and renunciation of worldly desires and the search for higher potential and spirituality. If your dream of a mountain posesses the fear of falling off and splattering your body in several directions, it symbolizes that you are putting yourself in an emotional position to fall from great hights, and you need to discover within yourself what it is that would force you or compell you to follow dangerous "height" in your waking life. If you fear falling into seperate directions, perhaps you're seeking a sense of wholeness, and perhaps your head and heart aren't working in harmony. *sigh* So, thats pretty plain english to me. I seek a better relationship with you, the mountain symbolizes you being out of my reach, the fear symbolizes my fear of never reaching you or failing if i do, and the fear of the fall symbolizes my fortitude that it is worth the risk, to try to achieve that harmony.

Seven
Seven signifies mental perfection, healing, completion, music and attainment of high spirituality. Additionally, you are unique and eccentric. [considering the individual it makes so much sense.]

Bread/loaf
To see bread in your dream, represents the basic needs of life. Bread may signify the positive qualities and great things you have learned on your journey of life. Alternatively, it suggests that you need to rise above the situation or rise for the occasion.

Blueberries
To see blueberries in your dream, represents your youth and the desire to recapture aspects of your youth. It is a symbol of eternity and optimism of the future. Alternatively, it may depict your depressed mood and sadden state of mind.

Rejection
To dream that you are being rejected, signifies a lack of self-worth and alienation of others. If you are being rejected by a lover, then it suggests that you are you are rejecting some part of your own characteristic.

Fear
To dream that you feel fear, indicates that your achievements will not be as successful as you had anticipated. You are experiencing anxieties in various aspects of your life. The key to overcoming your fear is to discuss them and deal with them openly.

Soooooooo that being said, this website is cool and fairly accurate as far as I'm concerned, so check it out if you're interested...

Dream Dictionary

This helps me take my mind of things.

1. Name, please.
Scarlet (FaithL

2. Approximate Age.
26

3. Are you happy in your life?
Tough question. I'm happy with the way things are, but I myself am not actually happy... it has nothing to do with anyone or anything in my life, its just a fight I fight.

4. Do you feel like anything is missing? If so, what do you want?
Yes. And I can't say.

5. Do you plan on being a musician/artist/writer?
I don't plan on it, I am a writer.

6. Do you think you are artistic?
In my own way.

7. Have you ever tried hard drugs?
No

8. If so, have they changed your life?
They have, and I never even tried them. But they killed my mom.

9. What age would you like to die?
O_O No idea.

10. Would you let your kids smoke weed?
Not in my house.

11. Are you an angry person?
Yes

12. Do you laugh a lot, but don’t really mean it?
Yeah, I think to myself too much.

13. Do you like to think you are popular?
Nope. Don't have any desire to be.

14. Describe your most terrifying dream.
They wouldn't make sense to you. Its supernatural stuff, involving those that I love, witchcraft, pure evil, and not being strong enough to stop shit. Its the same theme, with different scenarios every night.

15. What band would you die to see live?
H.I.M. and the Smashing Pumpkins. I probably will see neither. Every other band I want to see is easy.

16. How would you like to die?
In the arms of the one I love.

17. What’s your opinion on self-mutilation?
It is a disease. I think if people do it for attention they should be knocked on their ass because some of us really do HAVE to do it.

18. Do you believe in capitalism?
I don't care.

19. Communism?
I don't care.

20. Libertarianism?
I seriously don't care.

21. Would you rather be an anarchist or a socialite?
Neither. I walk my own undefined path.

22. Freedom of speech or controlled society?
Freedom of speech, duh.

23. Obama or Bush?
No.

24. Would you consider yourself intelligent?
Yes.

25. When was the last time you cried?
Last night

26. When was the last time you laughed?
Um. Saturday.

27. Who is your last text from?
Evie

28. What did it say?
onoz....

29. Ever had your ass kicked?
no

30. What’s your middle name?
Brandielle

31. Single or taken?
Taken.

32. If taken, do you love this person?
Yes.

33. If single, what are you looking for in someone?
Nope.

34. Sex or love?
Both, please.

35. Who is your best friend?
Evie. and Jeff. And T.Paul

36. Why is this person your best friend?
Evie is like my sister, Jeff is my other half, T.Paul, is was and always will be my mentor and I miss him so much.

37. Are you moody?
Fuckin-A

38. Are you depressed?
Fuckin-A

39. What do you think of abortion?
It varies. I'm pro-choice. But, I don't view it as a form of birth control. I think that in consenting relationships both parties should agree to the abortion [dads have rights too], if they don't know who the dad is there should be a valid reason they can't carry & adopt out the child, but then the cases of rape that end up in pregnancy... handle it.

40. Are you in a good mood today?
No

41. If not, why are you not?
I am never... in a good mood

42. Are you afraid of the swine flu?
Fuck no.

43. Are you afraid to be yourself?
Afraid no. Hate it, yeah.

44. What would you label yourself?
a Faith. someone who doesn't fit in a box, lives for love and music, has mood swings that will give you whiplash, and a serious addiction to books & coffee.

45. Do you live with your parents?
Nope.

46. How many siblings do you have?
2 & 2. I could care less about any of them.

47. Do you wear skinny jeans?
Not lately

48. Are you emo?
No.

49. Are you aware that all emo kids look exactly the same?
They do not, the world needs to stop being so insecure and stop picking on the emo kids. Let them be. There was a time you were something no one else understood... those kids just happen to connect on a bizarre level.

50. Are you a hater?
I hate everyone equally.

51. Are you anti-racist?
Racism is stupid. Like I said, I hate everyone equally.

52. Explain your personality in 3 words.
Emotional, Deep, Intense

53. What do you wish your name was?
Scarlet

54. How old do you want to be when you get married?
there is no answer for this question

55. What do you want to name your kids?
Lauralei, Colin, Jade, Liam

56. What kind of hairstyle do you want?
I have it. Its like an alice cullen pixie.
Yet amazingly not one decent picture of it exists. *hrmph.*

57. When was the last time you brushed your teeth?
This morning

58. What are you wearing right now?
nothing

59. Say something random.
I'm lying here on the floor where you left me, I think I took too much. I'm crying here what have you done, I thought it would be fun. I can't stay on your life support theres a shortage in the switch, I cant stay on your morphine cuz its making me itch, I tried to call the nurse again but shes being a little bitch.... I swear, you're just like a pill, instead of makin me better, you're making me ill.

60. What do you wear to bed?
nothing

61. What color is your underwear?
O_O

62. Am I getting too personal?
Nope.

63. What’s your view on nihilism?
I think if it works for you, then go for it, but be real with yourself, whatever you choose.

64. Pacifism?
Is a pipe dream

65. Do you think the drug culture is misunderstood?
No

66. Are you a fan of Hunter S Thompson?
Not so much.

67. Do you read literature?
I do

68. Do you love horror movies?
Every minute of every day

69. What’s your favourite one?
I love nightmare on elm street, friday the 13th, halloween, and ...lol... behind the mask: the rise of leslie vernon. I know. not a "to be taken serious" horror, but still!!

70. Do you like comedies?
Yes.

71. Are you a smoker?
Yes

72. Do you smoke cigars/cigarillos?
Occasionally

73. Do you have anger problems?
I do

74. Do you know someone who has a mental illness?
Yes. Me. And almost everyone else.

75. Have you had someone close to you die of cancer?
My best friend.

76. What do you want to be next Halloween?
I'm gonna be Nyx.

77. What grade are you in?
Grade 27 in the school of life.

78. When do you graduate?
I graduated in 2001.

79. Do you talk to yourself?
Of course. Who doesn't.

80. What color are your toenails?
Red

81. Has anyone ever told you you have a nice smile?
yes

82. Nice eyes?
sometimes

83. Ever broken a bone?
My skull... thats it. They say my wrist was broken in 3 places, BUT, I don't think so.

84. Got a black eye?
LOL... yeah once or twice.

85. Nose bleed?
Yes.

86. Ever been so mad you cried?
On the daily.

87. What’s your favourite quote?
Mother is the name for god on the lips & hearts of all children.

88. Are you listening to anything right now?
Not anymore. I was listening to Pink - who knew.

89. What are you addicted too?
Nothing really. But choice addictions are coffee & books & music.

Distractions for my brain.

Whats your favorite color gummy bear?
The clear ones, because they're pineappley.

What is the sexiest part of the opposite sexes body?
Eyes.

Have you ever made up/sang a song for someone you cared about?
Yes. I sing to Jeff all the time & he tells me to shut up.

Ever had a song sang about/for you?
For me, yes, about me no.

Is there a baby in the room with you right now?
No

Do you know how to dance?
Yes, I do.

Where do you sing the most, in the car, the shower or other?
the car, the bedroom... usually not the shower anymore

What is your favorite thing that is green?
Money

What did your last text message say?
yes, yes i did.

Boxers, briefs or boxer briefs?
Boxer briefs

What is your middle name?
Brandielle

What is the way to your heart?
There are many paths to that destination.

What do you smell like?
lavendar

Whats in your pocket?
i has no pockets.

Anything in your mouth?
no

Ever hurt yourself playing Wii?
yes

Do you have freckles?
too many

How many languages can you say "Hello" in?
at least 5

Whats the last movie you saw in the theater?
Uh... Clash of the Titans

Ever jumped/fallen/been pushed in a pool with your clothes on?
Yes.

Are you wearing any clothes that you wore yesterday?
no

Name a song that you know all the words to: I should kill you

Are you in love with someone right now?
Yep

Whats the last thing you watched on TV?
Legion. I don't actually watch TV... So.. thats the last thing I watched on A tv.

Whats the last video game you played?
gears of war.

Who is your daddy and what does he do?
Dad is my dad, and he is a badass.

Can you do the alphabet in sign language?
Yes

Do you have an uncle named Joe?
No

What word do you use when people pass gas?
depends who and where

Do you wear glasses?
I should

What can you hear right now?
rain

Did you feel better or worse or the same yesterday?
WAY worse

Ever been overseas?
No.

What are your plans for today?
Feel Better, Fail.

How long have you had MySpace?
For like... 9 years

What was your favorite childhood show?
No clue

Are you close to your siblings?
no

What was your first job?
papa johns. i got raped there.

Do you bite your nails?
no

Do you like your feet?
no

Do you sleep well at night?
No.

personality disorder test

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Migraines & Stanford University.

I am going to be going to Stanford University medical center, to get a battery of tests done - and they're going to re-diagnose, and treat my migraines, as well as try to find the source of them, to attempt to eliminate them, [Im not even sure that is possible...] But they're going to make it managable so that I can go back to school hopefully, and finish my cosmo licnse, and live a "normal" life... they're doing it all for free....... They're gonna work hand in hand with my doctor at family healthcare network, so I don't have to go back & forth - they're even covering medication.

UPDATE 6-10: Still haven't been approved, so the process hasn't begun.

Birthday Calculator. All about it...

Birthday Calculator, located Here.

15 October 1983
Your date of conception was on or about 22 January 1983 which was a Saturday.

You were born on a Saturday
under the astrological sign Libra.
Your Life path number is 1.

Your fortune cookie reads:
Those who have love, have wealth beyond measure. Word. I've always said I'd rather have love than money. :nod

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7. Jeff's life path number is 7, choobies.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 3 & 9.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 8.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 6, 11 & 22.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2445622.5. I knew thatThat's an honor in my little pagan world.

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 8 Heshvan 5744.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 9 Heshvan 5744.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.10.6.18 which is
12 baktun 18 katun 10 tun 6 uinal 18 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Saturday, 8 Muharram 1404 (1404-1-8).

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 3 April 1983.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 8 May 1983.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 16 February 1983.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 22 May 1983.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 29 May 1983.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Thursday, 8 September 1983.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Tuesday, 29 March 1983.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 15 February 1983. Of course, I've always wanted to know what date mardi gras was on my birth year. *facepalm*

As of 4/16/2010 10:36:41 AM EDT
You are 26 years old. Don't rub it in.
You are 318 months old. :paranoid
You are 1,383 weeks old. :circles
You are 9,680 days old. :shakefist
You are 232,330 hours old. :angry
You are 13,939,836 minutes old. :banghead
You are 836,390,201 seconds old. :die

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Vanessa Marcil (1969) Sarah Ferguson (1959) Emeril Lagasse (1959)
Richard Carpenter (1946) Jim Palmer (1945) Penny Marshall (1942)
Linda Lavin (1937) Lee Iacocca (1924) Mario Puzo (1920)
Arthur Schlesinger, Jr. (1917) John Kenneth Galbraith (1908)

Top songs of 1983
Every Breath You Take by Police
Billie Jean by Michael Jackson :girdance
Flashdance by Irene Cara
Say Say Say by Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson
All Night Long by Lionel Richie
Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler
Down Under by Men at Work
Beat It by Michael Jackson :girdance
Islands In the Stream by Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton
Baby, Come to Me by Patti Austin & James Ingram

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 3.78864970645793 years old. (Life's just a big chewy bone for you!)

Your lucky day is Friday. the 13th
Your lucky number is 6. I disagree.
Your ruling planet(s) is Venus. No shit?
Your lucky dates are 6th, 15th, 24th. :shakefist
Your opposition sign is Aries. Ya, I have a hard time with Aries.
Your opposition number(s) is 9.

Today is not one of your lucky days! I could've told you that.

There are 182 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 27 candles. Please, don't remind me.

Those 27 candles produce 27 BTUs,
or 6,804 calories of heat (that's only 6.8040 food Calories!) . Heat, has calories? What?
You can boil 3.09 US ounces of water with that many candles.


In 1983 there were approximately 3.6 million births in the US.
In 1983 the US population was approximately 226,545,805 people, 64.0 persons per square mile.
In 1983 in the US there were 2,444,000 marriages (10.5%) and 1,179,000 divorces (5%)
In 1983 in the US there were approximately 1,990,000 deaths (8.8 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.

In 1983 the population of Australia was approximately 15,483,496.
In 1983 there were approximately 242,570 births in Australia.
In 1983 in Australia there were approximately 114,860 marriages and 43,525 divorces.
In 1983 in Australia there were approximately 110,084 deaths.

Why is Australia the country they noted to inform me of? :paranoid
Your birth flower is MARIGOLD *gag*

Your birthstone is Tourmaline :nono

The Mystical properties of Tourmaline

Pink Tourmaline promotes female balance and protection. Green Toumaline promotes male balance. *eyeroll*

Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Opal, Jasper Opal, indeed.

Your birth tree is

Maple, Independence of Mind How appropriate.
No ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, many complexes, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress. All correct except the good memory part.



There are 253 days till Christmas 2010!
There are 266 days till Orthodox Christmas!
WHAT ABOUT YULE??

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waxing gibbous.

Well. That was rather informative. I am stalling, can you tell? I'm dreading dealing with this birthday thing on a nauseating level. Its just not what I want to be doing for him, so, I'm sorely discontent. And I have a dr.s appt at 10am. Now that I've adequately killed 20 minutes.... I'm going to post this to the solitary witch cult... which if you've not visited, you should, because there are many interesting topics to be discussed, even if you do not practice witchcraft, or the occult, but are curious of the supernatural world or anything else....




Blessed be to you all.

thought for jeff... that he'll never see.

before i met you i wondered where my place in life was and then the first time you held me in your arms i knew exactly where i was meant to be.

Tonight's dinner menu!

Top Blade steak with 4 hour Marinade
& Home made Fettucini alfredo
The only thing pre-made is the pasta.

Meat:

1/3 c. bottle steak sauce
3 tbsp. lemon juice
2 tbsp. oil
1 1/2 tsp. sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
4 Top Blade steaks (approx weight 1.5 lbs)
Unseasoned meat tenderizer

Mix marinade in 9 x 13 inch dish. Trim excess fat from meat. Use tenderizer as directed. Add meat to marinade. Cover and refrigerate at least 4 hours; turning meat occasionally. Grill over medium coals 30 minutes or until desired doneness

I will be varying that recipe to accomodate my living situation, and will be pan seering them over medium high heat for 6 minutes on each side.

Fettucini Alfredo:
1 bag egg noodles - boiled Al Dente
1/2 c. grated jack cheese
1/2 c. grated cheddar cheese
1/2 c. grated mozzarella cheese
1/2 c. milk
Garlic Salt to taste
1/4 c. sweet peas
1/4 c. corn

Boil the noodles to al dente - or desired tenderness, drain well. Combine all the cheeses, and milk, with the noodles, and stir until melted, on simmer. Add garlic salt to taste, and 5 minutes before serving stir in veggies.

For a stronger bouquet of flavor, prepare a day in advance and reheat on low heat, stirring gently, constantly, careful not to shred the noodles.

Enjoy!

I need change

That's right folks... I am in need of hair change.
If you know me... you know I don't fit in a box. I don't listen to one kind of music... and I am an absolute wildcard.

I've always had long-ish hair.
(Thats a lie. When I was in the navy I had short hair.)
In my normal life, I've always had long-ish hair.

I am thinking strongly on a pixie cut.
My concern is, my face may be too round to pull it off
without ending up looking like this guy :pointdown




THAT.... :O.O




So... I'm providing a couple pictures here, and a poll. I want your input please. If you think it'll look shitty... tell me. But most especially, make a fucking suggestion, don't be like "no man..." and not have anything to say... everyone has an opinion, question is... have you the balls to voice it?

So. Help me out, yeah? This is what I'm thinking. Unfortunately I didn't find many good pix of pixie cuts. :die


The same cut, three different ways"







same as above, only unstyled.




A different, shorter pixie cut, with chunky layers.



Or.... the old punky shag look... like my joan jet look from before...

listless mind.

I wonder what I'll think of myself in 3 years if I re-read my answers?

Top five favorite tv shows?
Charmed
Gilmore Girls
True Blood
Dexter
Vampire Diaries

Who is the last person you talked to on the phone?
My dad

How long did you talk to that person?
8 minutes

What did you do all day?
Since the day just started, I'll use yesterday. I stayed in bed. I could barely walk. I was miserable.

Are you in a good mood or in a bad mood?
Good mood with a side of uncertainty.

What's on your mind right this second?
How I forgot a pillow....

Last person to buy you something?
Jeff :heart


What should you be doing right now?
Nothing

Do you like glittery things?
Sometimes

What's your favorite color?
PINK!

A life lesson that you've learned the hard way?
Walk slow & drink a lot of water

Are you excited about anything?
Mary Magdalan May 1st

What are you wearing?
Mary Magdalan shirt, jeans, joe boxer panties, red bra, pink flip flops, wooden bead bracelets, Jeff's ring, nose ring, lip ring, tongue ring, 4 earings.


Favorite movie?
The Crow

When was the last time someone told you they hated you, seriously?
Hmm... its been a long time

What's the closest thing to your right hand?
My puppy

Who did you last give advice?
Trinaty

Do you have more than one bestfriend?
I have 2. Evie & Jeff

Are you excited for Valentine's Day?
No, its like a year away. But this years was boss.

Who were you thinking about last night before you fell asleep?
Piercings....


Do you have any nicknames for anyone?
Yes

What's your ringtone?
Stupid ass AT&T default shit.

When you hear the song 'All of Nothing' who do you think of?
I've never heard of it.

What movies have you watched today?
None yet today, but new moon last night.

Last lotion you used?
CK One

Do you get jealous over little things?
No.

Do you believe in karma?
Yes.

Do you have any fake friends?
Duh

What channel is your tv on right now?
Its not.

Your make-up obsession is: Eyeliner


Your most missed memory?
T.Paul

When you need serious advice, who do you go to?
Evie or no one

If you could go on a TV show, which would you choose?
I can't even think of one.

Who is your favorite person on Jersey Shore?
I don't watch that crap.

Happy Fucking Irish Day!

Irish girls. We really do do it better.

Irish & Proud...

Be safe & have fun!!!
Even if you're not blessed enough to be
TRULY IRISH

today you are.

;-)


May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.


May you live as long as you want,
And never want as long as you live.


Always remember to forget
The things that made you sad.
But never forget to remember
The things that made you glad.

Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But never forget to remember
Those that have stuck by you.

Always remember to forget
The troubles that passed away.
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day.


May the saddest day of your future be no worse
Than the happiest day of your past.


May the roof above us never fall in.
And may the friends gathered below it never fall out.


May you have warm words on a cold evening,
A full moon on a dark night,
And the road downhill all the way to your door.


May there be a generation of children
On the children of your children.


May you live to be a hundred years,
With one extra year to repent!


May the Lord keep you in His hand
And never close His fist too tight.


May your neighbors respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.


May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.


May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light,
May good luck pursue you each morning and night.


Walls for the wind,
And a roof for the rain,
And drinks beside the fire -
Laughter to cheer you
And those you love near you,
And all that your heart may desire!


May God be with you and bless you,
May you see your children's children,
May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.


May God grant you many years to live,
For sure He must be knowing
The earth has angels all too few
And heaven is overflowing.


May peace and plenty be the first
To lift the latch to your door,
And happiness be guided to your home
By the candle of Christmas.


May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Me, Him, Cary, It all working out, & the pain.

Sorrow rebuild me as I step out of the light
Misery strengthen me as I say my goodbyes
I heal my wounds with grief
And dream of you
And weep myself alive
-HIM

The perfect words, that apply to life. Like when John Denver & Jonathan McEuen both said "this old guitar gave me my lovely lady, opened up her eyes and ears to me. it brought us close together and i guess it broke her heart, opened up a place for us to be. what a lovely place, lovely space to be." I've learned that a broken heart, whatever form it comes in, is a blank canvas for something beautiful to grow from. ;) I love you Jeff.


Crimson Regrets

-Cary

Good song, right? I have my own set of crimson regrets. Shit most of you will never understand. Mostly because I have no desire to explain it. I know Jeff gets it, Cary definitely gets it. I'm not Scarlet Maleficent for no reason. Thank you both for your part in that.. & the healing process.



Cherry, cherry, boom, boom
Gaga

Boy, we've had a real good time
And I wish you the best on your way, eh, eh
I didn't mean to hurt you
I never thought we'd fall out of place, eh, eh

I have something that I love long, long
But my friends keepa' tellin' me that something's wrong
Then I met someone
And eh, there's nothing else I can say

Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh, I wish he never looked at me that way
Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh

Not that I don't care about you
Just that things got so compliqué, eh, eh
I met somebody cute and funny
Got each other and that's funny, eh, eh, eh

I have something that I love long, long
But my friends keepa' tellin' me that something's wrong
Then I met someone
And eh, there's nothing else I can say

Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh, I wish he never looked at me that way
Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh

I have something that I love long, long
But my friends keepa' tellin' me that something's wrong
Then I met someone
And eh, there's nothing else I can say

Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh, wish he never looked at me that way
Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say

Eh, eh, wish he never looked at me that way
Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh, cherry, cherry, boom, boom

Eh, eh
Oh, yeah
All I can say is, eh

~~~~
Sometimes the most painful things in life turn out to be the best things. The things that make us stronger, that make us learn to appreciate life & love & friendship. Bring us close together, tear us apart, make us love, hate, and I am so thankful for this journey.

Light & love....
-me