I should have a PhD in self sabbotage.

This relationship is really important to me... an odd twist... since normally I can't be bothered to give a shit. But I like this guy. Furthermore... I love him. No doubt about it. This is a definite first. So... I give a shit if I screw it up. I have this.. wall.. that I am told rivals the great wall of China. I'm pretty sure they're all right, who make such accusations. I don't do it on purpose... but I inevitably do it, with anything good in my life. Well.... tonight, the wall went up. I don't want it up... but I do not know how to take it down.

It is always the stupid small shit that makes me snap. In every situation in life. My car breaks down, I'm fine. We break the racecar, I'm fine. I get diagnosed with cancer, I'm fine. But I can't find my favorite inkpen, or the CD I want to hear, or the button pops off my fucking sweater.. and I flip. It is ridiculous. And I know it!

BUT, what am I supposed to do? That is of course a rhettorical question. Lori says, "let it go, it's in the past, it is going to eat you alive, just flush it out of your mind" of course she is absolutely right, but it isn't that easy. At least not for me. I have piss poor coping skills... to be so educated, and "emotionally sound" to fix other people's problems... I can't fix my own shit. Go figure.

So I see some stupid shit. Pictures of my guy, with pictures of other girls, that I totally don't want to see, and of course was not intended to see... but it was an honest accident, and when I saw what it was, the accident turned into an on purpose. But at least I am honest about it. It sets me off. Nevermind that it is in the past and is totally over... and with most of the girls, there isn't anything to be "over" ... it is just... people, he knows.... but then I over analyze. I see a picture of him stepping out of a pool... swimming trunks only, on... and he's the only one in the picture. Let's analyze this: Hot guy, single, in a picture, stepping out of a pool, no one else around - at least not close enough to be in photo range, not at his own house - it is at someone else's, there is absolutely, no way in hell, Nyx herself could convince me that it wasn't a female who took that picture. This is where it gets tricky. The female that I know that is present, is his best friend's girlfriend. Why, would his best friend's girlfriend take a candid & extremely sexy picture, of her boyfriend's best friend? not for any good reason. This makes me think... is something else there? Maybe not with him but with her? Is? Was? Will be? And while I worrying about the ridiculous... what if the sky falls and crushes us?

Yeah. I know it is extremely stupid. I really, do. But that is my thought process.
I really, really... hate it. I hate also, that it doesn't stop at one open ended thought, it just takes me further down the mother fucking rabbit hole.
I am a very jealous person. I do not trust... anyone really. I try, and get fucked over every single time. So, with him I am trying so hard to make everything different. I have no reason to distrust him. He treats me like the Goddess I never will be... and he is so, genuinely amazing... that I sincerely, hate myself right now for feeling this way. It really upsets me, not him... not the pictures... just... the fact that those thoughts even enter my mind when it isn't earned.

So I write myself a note:
Note to self:
Dear self,
Put your wall in the right fucking place. Shut down the people who deserve it, and use it tokeep the bad energy you hate so much away from you. Don't put it up against the person that loves you, don't push him away because you're an idiot, stop killing your own happines... stop screwing up shithead!

And on that note... I'm feeling rather emo. So of course, I'm going to go scrub the bathtub.
I don't deserve him. Plainnnn and simple.

First blog... and some bullshit off my chest.

What's up? I'm Scarlet. I have alot to say. Most of it... no one wants to hear, I'm sure, but nonetheless... I'm saying it. I am a habitual blogger. That is why I started this account. Some of the shit I will say will piss you off... make you cry... and rarely ever make you smile.

Forewarned is forearmed.

So.. now for a little bullshit off my chest.
It's 4:55 pm, on friday, and I've been trying to clean the bathroom for two hours. I keep getting interupted, which oddly... isn't irritating me. My boyfriend's dad is actually speaking to me... finally... but he still doesn't have much to say. And boyfriend has 6 Daschund hounds... 4 males, 2 females. One of the females is in heat. Poor baby. So we have her seperated now from the males so they'll leave her the hell alone... but now they won't STFU howling. I'm mentally exhausted...