Confessions of a Tattooed Soul

I've got a lot on my mind.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

A poem worth reading. [Dedicated to Lt. Matt Parker, USMC]

My dad sent me this. I found it... priceless. And true.

Photobucket

> He was getting old and paunchy
> And his hair was falling fast,
> And he sat around the Legion,
> Telling stories of the past.
>
> Of a war that he once fought in
> And the deeds that he had done,
> In his exploits with his buddies;
> They were heroes, every one.
>
> And 'tho sometimes to his neighbors
> His tales became a joke,
> All his buddies listened quietly
> For they knew whereof he spoke.
>
> But we'll hear his tales no longer,
> For ol' Bob has passed away,
> And the world's a little poorer
> For a soldier died today.
>
> He won't be mourned by many,
> Just his children and his wife.
> For he lived an ordinary,
> Very quiet sort of life..
>
> He held a job and raised a family,
> Going quietly on his way;
> And the world won't note his passing,
> 'Tho a soldier died today.
>
> When politicians leave this earth,
> Their bodies lie in state,
> While thousands note their passing,
> And proclaim that they were great.
>
> Papers tell of their life stories
> From the time that they were young
> But the passing of a soldier
> Goes unnoticed, and unsung.
>
> Is the greatest contribution
> To the welfare of our land,
> Some jerk who breaks his promise
> And cons his fellow man?
>
> Or the ordinary fellow
> Who in times of war and strife,
> Goes off to serve his country
> And offers up his life?
>
> The politician's stipend
> And the style in which he lives,
> Are often disproportionate,
> To the service that he gives.
>
> While the ordinary soldier,
> Who offered up his all,
> Is paid off with a medal
> And perhaps a pension, small.
>
> It's so easy to forget them,
> For it is so many times
> That our Bobs and Jims and Johnnys,
> Went to battle, but we know,
>
> It is not the politicians
> With their compromise and ploys,
> Who won for us the freedom
> That our country now enjoys.
>
> Should you find yourself in danger,
> With your enemies at hand,
> Would you really want some cop-out,
> With his ever waffling stand?
>
> Or would you want a soldier--
> His home, his country, his kin,
> Just a common soldier,
> Who would fight until the end.
>
> He was just a common soldier,
> And his ranks are growing thin,
> But his presence should remind us
> We may need his like again.
>
> For when countries are in conflict,
> We find the soldier's part
> Is to clean up all the troubles
> That the politicians start.
>
> If we cannot do him honor
> While he's here to hear the praise,
> Then at least let's give him homage
> At the ending of his days.
>
> Perhaps just a simple headline
> In the paper that might say:
> "OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING,
> A SOLDIER DIED TODAY."
>
> Pass On The Patriotism!
> YOU can make a difference
>
>
>
> A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life,
>
> wrote a blank check made payable to
> 'The United States' for an amount "up to and including my life."
> That is Honor, and there are way too many people
>
> in this country who no longer understand

In loving memory of USMC Lt. Matthew Parker, MIA 2003 discovered KIA August 14 2006. Kandahar by way of Camp Lejune, NC, by way of New Orleans, La. Born to be a Marine, Died a proud Marine, doing what you loved. I never stopped looking for you my friend. You're not the only one, but you were the last I got word of. Thanks for pushing me so hard, and believing in me. Sorry I didn't listen. I'll never forget. And every time I stand for the pledge of allegiance, and stand silent for our National Anthem, or defend our soldiers to IDIOTS, and when the tears sting my eyes, I remember you, with the 12 others I lost in "that period of time" but your voice still rings loud in my ears. "You can do anything you want chere." ... "The sky is yours." .... "Your heart is braver than most of my men." ... " I'd be proud to have you in my unit, but you probably take my job." ... "You can do this chere, don't listen to them." ... "Don't be distracted by no one." Matt had a cajun meets southern accent. He was a good man to the bone. Had these words tattooed across his shoulders: Semper Fidelis. And he was.

USMC Pictures, Images and Photos

Just because I don't speak, doesn't mean I've forgotten. I'm still, so very proud of you, old friend. I wish, I had listened.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

There are many things I need to forgive me for. None of which I am prepared to actually do yet. Starting with my temper, and the resolute level of temperment that doesn't simmer down. The biggest thing I have to forgive is... being a civilian.
Photobucket
[Raptor]

I don't think I was ever intended to be a civilian. I was pre-destined to be military like I was predestined to be awesome with shears & makeup. I... should be up every day at 0430, at the gym at 0500, reporting for flight briefings by 0630 and in the air, in a JET all day long. Touch & goes, flight ops, bombing runs, and aircraft carriers, breaking the sound barrier.

Photobucket
[Super Hornet]

Doing my part. BUT I'm not. The mistakes leading me up to THIS path, I may never forgive myself for. I don't know that I'd have been ABLE to carry through with that dream.
Photobucket
[Joint Strike Fighter]

My health hasn't been great... ever, really. But especially since I was 15. So the question is, would it be better, if I was living my #1 dream? Can't say. I can say, I can't even complete school for dream #2, because of said health issues. Will I ever forgive these things? Probably not. Will I ever voice the other things I need to forgive myself for? Probably not. I'm too much of a masochist for that kind of catharsis.

[[&&In case anyone is feeling the need to be a smartass, I realize that the Hornet/Super Hornet is a crossover jet and that one type of JSF will be Navy, another will be USMC and the majority will be airforce and that the Raptor will go to the highest bidder. So, save critical commentary for someone who will not crush you in this argument.]]

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Day 02: Something you love about yourself.

Day 02: Something you love about yourself.

Much harder to identify what I love.
I suppose I love my ability TO love. I love that I don't see myself as "above reading", I love that I'd rather read the book than watch the movie. I love that I am analytical enough that I dive further into things mentally than necessary & learn much along the way. I love that even though I am broken, fucked up, cynical & full of anger... that I am still able to help people, and pass along important messages. Help other people not repeat my mistakes. I am also still able to cry, I guess that means a large part of me is still alive... despite what I'd believe. I love that I can write as well as I can, and I love that I am different than anyone & everyone else, and I especially love that I am undefinable.

Photobucket

I love that I can rock any look I want, when I put in the effort and that I am as diverse as I am, and I love to know that as much as I hate myself I can always bounce back.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.

Where to start. I hate... my emotions. My past. My health. & my temper. I have fantastic intentions all the time, but usually something gets in the way of my finishing it. Making me an excellent starter and a piss poor finisher. I hate... that my favorite thing to do is read, and it causes me the most physical pain, giving me a migraine if I read more than 5 or 6 pages. I hate, that I am so emotionally susceptible to... everything. I hate that my anger turns to saddness.

But most of all, I hate, that every single one of those things I listed that I hate up there, ball up into the same ONE singular thing I hate about myself.

Photobucket

I hate that I used to love, and trust so easily, because I believed that people were real & sincere, and because of my own naivety I am one of the most jaded cynical people I've ever encountered & I am entirely unapolagetic about it, because it has been earned. Everyone whose ever been anyone in my life has seriously hurt me, burned me, trashed me, used me, abused me, and then of course... left. My dad has never left, I'm thankful for that. Last year I started over. A new course of people, starting in october really, although I should say it started with Melanie showing me something in myself I hadn't seen before. Melanie was the gateway to me believing in starting over. Granted my dad told me forever, but you know what its like. Your parents or the person closest to you sees the best in you & takes your side right or wrong, so it becomes commonplace to hear it & appreciate it but not see it as fathomable. But I did. I officially MET Melanie in April of last year, our communication was scant, but later in the year she was there for me when LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE SO CALLED FRIEND I HAD IN THIS TOWN TURNED THEIR BACK ON ME. She made me feel human again. So did her mom. My dad saw a change in me. I started to let people in & shut others out. Because of this I met Lj, who then introduced me to Kelly, Shannah, & David & Aimee & Christine.... I also met Anna because of Melanie, and Lauren, therefore Liz, and its like a family tree that blossoms out. Jeff came along later, November, with him came other new people, that I also cherish. Michelle, Arcadio, and so on.... Of course my closest friend, Evie never left. Oddly enough, I've never met her. ;)

In this process of growth, [reffering back to what I hate about myself] friendships died that I never saw dying. I was burned harder, the cuts were deeper & the "friendships" closer. Friendships like Saida, Cristal, Kaci, Cary, Andrea [whom I've known for 13 years, & decided to hate me for something she invented, blaming me for something I didn't do...] and unfortunately the list goes on. I hate, that these things bother me. I feel it should have no affect on me because I should be immune to it by now. But I'm not, and I hate that about myself.

Now I have people in my life, some have been here a year, two years, others just a few months, but the question remains who will end up being an actual friend, being close to me, and who is just passing through.

I hate, that I will probably always wonder.

<3

Photobucket

that's it for day one. Tune in tomorrow for more shit you may or may not want to read about me.

30 days of blog

So this is from another website. Write a new blog everyday based on whatever day it is. Be honest. Even if you can't share it, write it for yourself & make it private. Pass it on.

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02: Something you love about yourself.
Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13; A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18; Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20; Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.