Where to start. I hate... my emotions. My past. My health. & my temper. I have fantastic intentions all the time, but usually something gets in the way of my finishing it. Making me an excellent starter and a piss poor finisher. I hate... that my favorite thing to do is read, and it causes me the most physical pain, giving me a migraine if I read more than 5 or 6 pages. I hate, that I am so emotionally susceptible to... everything. I hate that my anger turns to saddness.
But most of all, I hate, that every single one of those things I listed that I hate up there, ball up into the same ONE singular thing I hate about myself.
I hate that I used to love, and trust so easily, because I believed that people were real & sincere, and because of my own naivety I am one of the most jaded cynical people I've ever encountered & I am entirely unapolagetic about it, because it has been earned. Everyone whose ever been anyone in my life has seriously hurt me, burned me, trashed me, used me, abused me, and then of course... left. My dad has never left, I'm thankful for that. Last year I started over. A new course of people, starting in october really, although I should say it started with Melanie showing me something in myself I hadn't seen before. Melanie was the gateway to me believing in starting over. Granted my dad told me forever, but you know what its like. Your parents or the person closest to you sees the best in you & takes your side right or wrong, so it becomes commonplace to hear it & appreciate it but not see it as fathomable. But I did. I officially MET Melanie in April of last year, our communication was scant, but later in the year she was there for me when LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE SO CALLED FRIEND I HAD IN THIS TOWN TURNED THEIR BACK ON ME. She made me feel human again. So did her mom. My dad saw a change in me. I started to let people in & shut others out. Because of this I met Lj, who then introduced me to Kelly, Shannah, & David & Aimee & Christine.... I also met Anna because of Melanie, and Lauren, therefore Liz, and its like a family tree that blossoms out. Jeff came along later, November, with him came other new people, that I also cherish. Michelle, Arcadio, and so on.... Of course my closest friend, Evie never left. Oddly enough, I've never met her. ;)
In this process of growth, [reffering back to what I hate about myself] friendships died that I never saw dying. I was burned harder, the cuts were deeper & the "friendships" closer. Friendships like Saida, Cristal, Kaci, Cary, Andrea [whom I've known for 13 years, & decided to hate me for something she invented, blaming me for something I didn't do...] and unfortunately the list goes on. I hate, that these things bother me. I feel it should have no affect on me because I should be immune to it by now. But I'm not, and I hate that about myself.
Now I have people in my life, some have been here a year, two years, others just a few months, but the question remains who will end up being an actual friend, being close to me, and who is just passing through.
I hate, that I will probably always wonder.
<3
that's it for day one. Tune in tomorrow for more shit you may or may not want to read about me.
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