Re-posting of a 3 year old post.

Oddly enough, every friend I listed in here, I have discovered are truly not friends. I do not talk to any of them except Aimee. I have found the love I always wanted, and the word "God" has a much deeper meaning to me now as opposed to then since I've found, accepted, embraced & been honest about my Spirituality. My path is ever changing, my strength ebbs, and flows, but... I am only human.

Here goes:



Sent: Sunday, October 07, 2007 10:14 PM
Subject: my blog i wrote. without edit.


someone really made me think today. validated many thoughts.
now all that remains are questions only i can answer.

see, what i have learned is that the last year of my life has been the most traumataizing.
Those that really know me, Mel, MiMi, Jenn, Kimmy, Lexi, maybe even Solace, not sure... will probably be asking....... how?? How is that possible??
Yes. Im serious.
More traumatizing than my mom leaving.
More traumatizing than my dad having cancer.
More traumatizing than my mom dying.
More traumatizing than Ryan killing himself.
More traumatizing than Chris dying of lukemia.
More traumatizing than getting raped.... yes... and ill explain that.
More traumatizing than my best friend of all time dying.

Than all of that put together.
I am notorious for falling apart when bad things happen. Nervous breakdowns are my specialty. I had a nervous breakdown when all of those things happened..... and thats not the end of it, believe me.

But this year, as in June 2nd 06 to April 1st 07..... and a period of time thereafter, I allowed some of the worst things ever to happen to me. What makes it worse is that the man I allowed in my world, had been "friends" with me for several years, and had me snowed that he was something he was not. I learned, he was never my friend to begin with. Nor did he ever love me. The sick sad truth is, I was just a convenience to him, God knows why... but he played on my emotions and my mentality - a type of warfare that should never occur. Two people have understood that concept, everyone else who saw us was like "whatever you just fight alot." No one saw what went on behind closed doors. What he did to me was worse, because the man that hurt me when I was 15 didn't even know me. I was just another person to him. Jake really knew me, inside and out, like family. He knew my buttons, my likes, dislikes and needs. And he took full advantage of it and exploited my emotions to the utmost extent.

Self realization:
fulfillment by oneself of the possibilities of one's character or personality

2008 will be a year of self realization. Starting in 2007.
Today I realized that my feelings of not wanting a relationship are not so far out there. I dont want to "hook up", and Ive never been into meaningless sex. Its just not who I am or ever have been. But at the age I am, and in other terms the age we live in, its almost unheard of and unacceptable. But thats my decision. Things I want out of life: Happiness, Truth in honesty, Love, friendship - as in real solid friendships, soulmates.

Soulmate -for those that think it only applies to non plutonic relationships:

1) The one person who can always make you smile, who shares your hopes and dreams, who makes you whole.

2) Someone that you meet you feel an imediate connection to. Someone that makes you beleive in god due to the feelings that spring out of your heart and soul willing or unwilling you feel as though you need that person! It is greater than an earthly love! It is one soul two bodies! Enjoy the things shared do not get stuck on trying to define what you are just except that there are greater things that we have no words to explain they are just Godsent!

3) someone you have a very deep connection. It is not always easy explained. It is a meeting of mind, heart, body and soul on the highest of levels. Communication is at its easiest, as they understand you perfectly, and accept you completely with no judgments.

Get it? I have people in my life that I consider soulmates. Aimee. MiMi. Jenn. Solace. That connection exists so faintly in so many relationships, but I feel in my heart that through any unshakable crap that we may go through, or time, distance, miles, problems, even if I didnt see them for 40 years, we'd still be as close as we are today and pick up right where we left off today. Make sense? Im sure you know someone like that.

Someone once told me you can count your true friends in life on one hand. And I really think thats true. I am blessed to have a father that loves me, was able to provide me understanding for the non-understandable and peace of mind through the times i was so turmoltuous that I wasnt sure if I'd wake up the next morning.... and always took me back with total love and without judgment every time I'd screw up my life beyond repair. In addition to him, many people have came and gone from my life. More have gone than have stayed, and in truth, I've evicted many from my life for good reason.

No one wants to be hurt. Ive been hurt enough for 10 lifetimes. Im over it. Im done.

From here on, pain is not an option. Only good things.
I want to walk this journey. With God, my Dad, and my soulmates. If you want to come along, feel free to join me. We'll be checking our baggage at the gate - never to look back.

Love,
Faith

In Loving Memory of
Timothy Paul Ste. Marie
October 5, 1965 - May 31, 2007

AND SOME DAYS THEY SPLIT ATOMS
AND SOME DAYS THEY KICK STONES

Today they find our voice.
~T.Paul