Fuck you. An ode to no one important.

Finally thoughts on a stupid situation.

I was looking at "friend pictures" for new uploads, and Cary has a shit ton. And in his "people I care about" folder he has a picture of me... caption says: "Scarlet... nothing will ever change"



That is what I have to say about that. I finally went off on him. This is what I said:

[Comment - Private]


Really? Everything's changed. None of it was true. You
broke my heart and lied to me, and I am not sure I can ever
forgive you for it. You.. I trusted you. I LET YOU IN. I
LET YOU PAST MY WALL. You took that for granted. I went out
on a limb to be real with you, totally unabashedly real. I
let you in places that before I ONLY LET T.PAUL INTO! And
that didn't matter to you. You say "I still care" but you
bailed on me during the most important phase of my life.
The last, hardest, most painful AND FUCKING ALONE TIME
during my cancer treatment. I literally had NO ONE. Stupid
me with all those feelings like... "If I really needed him,
I know he'd be there." How fucking naive of me to think
that. Then when I asked you would you be there when my
father dies, you say, "I'll be here for ya" ... here as in
wherever you are over the internet, because I will
definitely be functional enough to sit and chat online
after losing the only parent I've ever known and the last
piece of family I have living - who I actually LOVE despite
all his issues... yes... chatting online,
priority. You let me down in ways I didn't know
it was possible. You hurt me worse than JAKE. The levels of
anger I felt for you were immeasurable. It proved to be the
best thing for me. Because when I closed my heart to you,
and the back & forth ping pong you did with my heart, I
closed it off to everyone else too, and I took care of me.
In the process, I met Jeff. Who truly did fall in love with
me, who was unphased by me having cancer, who loves all my
fucked up emotional roller coaster maddness, who
appreciates me & all I do, supports me, puts me before
everyone else including himself AND treats me like a
Goddess. Treats me WAY better than I deserve, and I love
him with all my heart. I thought, I knew love before, but I
had no idea what it was. I loved T.Paul, but that was
different. I love Evie, that too is different. I love and
am IN love with Jeff... and He wants to spend the rest of
his life with me. Thank Goddess for listening to my
prayers, and helping me open my eyes to life. When I rid
myself of my anger... toward you, my junkie ass mom who
OD'd, my junkie ass sister who is dead to me, my dad, the
man who raped me, myself and you.... mysteriously, one week
later... *poof* cancer free. The best part? Jeff was at my
side when I got the news. I asked him, "So, do you want to
keep me around for awhile?" and he had a concerned look on
his face and said, "That's the plan...why" ...and I
said, "because I have just been declared cancer free!" He
almost shouted "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???" Smiled from
ear to ear, picked me up, squeezed the life out of me, and
swung me around. Celebrated with me. The sparkle still
hasn't left his eye. So, thank you, for breaking my heart,
and my spirit, because it allowed me to learn that I am so
much stronger than I ever thought - and there is nothing,
even cancer, that I cannot overcome.

I love by the way, how I had a webpage up for you for... a
long time, and the most you've ever done for me is ONE
photo edit, and this picture in the "people I care
about" folder... and on my myspace, I have the folder that
says "People I can't live, love, or breathe without" that
HAD 5 pictures of you in it, with 4 other people, for a
total of 5 people I was convinced I couldn't live without.
Now Kreeture, or Jess, comes into your life, and 50,0000000
photo edits later, AND HER OWN SECTION ON YOUR PAGE [hmmm
sounds familiar.... kinda like YOUR own page on my page]
and 1 lie that matters most to me out of all the
lies.... "She's just easier to do edits for, it comes to me
easier, I have to think with you. She's just a friend. I'll
do more for you when I have better ideas." Utter, complete,
total, bullshit. I am keeping the one edit you did for me,
because its an accurate depiction of my spirit. But KNOW,
that now, I know who you really are, and what you really
don't feel.

I almost apologized for not being good enough to have a
spot in your life, but you know something? I am. I am
better than good enough. I am strong, and amazing, and
beautiful, and I don't deserve what you did to me. I
considered you my absolute closest guy friend, living on
this earth, and you let me down.

You can delete me off your page, or whatever you'd like to
do, I needed to get this all off my chest. I am happy now,
finally, for the first time... maybe ever. I have never
known this kind of happy. I'm not healthy just yet... but I
will get there in time. I'm on my path... and its great for
me. I hope you find happiness in whatever it is you seek.
Let someone in. Stop breaking hearts.

Nothing will ever change. I wish I understood that.
You changed everything, literally, overnight.
Without warning, or explanation. Not cool.
I had to learn the hard way.
Blessed be.


So... that's that. Its done.

Mood: Betrayed. Wise. Over it.
Music: Manson - edge of the world