Mood theme chart

pardon me in advance for the emotes, i typed this originally on VF, not thinking, so the words like this: :emote :sad :happy :diddle, etc., are emotes.



:diddle

Except... the VERY last picture looks disturbingly like Tommy Gnosis.

:paranoid



Kudos to you if you know who Tommy Gnosis is without the use of Google or any such contraption.

This ladies & Gentleman, is my profound sharing of the day. Enjoy it.

Mom.

So it has been 8 years, today, since my mom OD'd.
Or, well, some say since she "died".
I know the truth, I don't care to argue about it.

I will never forget that phone call.
My sister, "Sissy.... mom's dead..."
Me: "what do you mean, moms dead?"
Her: "She's dead... papa went to see her shes dead."
Me: "This isn't funny Brittany Anne."
Her: -Sobbing uncontrollably-
Me: Put grandma on the phone
Her: -Hands grandma the phone-
Grandma: -Sobbing- "Hello?"
Me: "Hey... whats wrong? What's going on?"
Grandma: "Its your mom Faith, she's passed away."
Me: "Seriously?"
Grandma: "Yes honey. We tried calling her since last night & never got an answer, so today papa went over to check on her, and she had passed away in bed."

I don't remember much after that. I remember giving my dad the phone.
I remember going numb.
I called someone.... but I don't remember who.
I don't remember... anything really.
It is all a blur, between there & the "wake" that was held for her at grandma's house. What a fiasco. I didn't dress in black mourning attire, I wore MY kind of clothes. Clothes that were also remniscent of the REAL BRENDA - before she got strung out. So they all looked down on me, the oldest child, as disrespectful. Like any one of those losers knew shit. Fucking enablers. My sister, was there with her gang banger friends. That was awesome. [not]. My dad gave a beautiful speach, which pissed everyone off.... idiots. I gave a eulogy.... that no one appreciated. I was honest. I told the truth, how life really was. Shared my feelings, my love, my hate, my forgiveness and understanding. But I don't sugercoat life. Or death. That is what they wanted. So once again, I, the preverbial black sheep of the family, who looks just like my mother according to so many, was looked down upon. I had no desire to be there. I almost didn't go... I don't remember what compelled me to go... but I did. I remember being literally 1 block away, not wanting to go, and telling my dad I didn't want to go. It is all so blurry.

So here we are 8 years later. No mom. Her spirit hangs around. Its not the same. I miss her sometimes, I hate her sometimes, I love her sometimes, and sometimes I just wish I had a chance to have a conversation with her that is better than the last one we had - a fight - where she yelled at me, and hung up on me, and that was our last talk.

Right now, I miss her, & I am angry with her. Justifiably.
I have questions only she can answer, only she can't. not really.
I am frustrated, overwhelmed, and overloaded with life and emotions.
Layne Stayley sings me through my bad times, along with Mary Magdalan.

She was 42. Too young to die.
Stupid dope. Stupid heroine. Stupid everything.

Scary's on the wall
Scary's on the wall

Watch where you spit
I'd advise you wait until it's over
Then you got hit
And you shoulda known better


And we die young
Faster we run

Down, down, down you're rollin'
Watch the blood float in the muddy sewer
Take another hit
And bury your brother

And we die young
Faster we run

Scary's on the wall
Scary's on his way

Another alley trip
Bullet seek the place to bend you over
Then you got hit
And you shoulda known better

Faster we run
And we die young

Thoughts for the day.

I am more in touch with myself now than I have ever been. I did my first solitary full moon ritual last night.... SKYCLAD!! I was so proud of myself. There was no one to un-impress, but I think I did a great job with it. Also, I did a "An it harm none, do as ye will" for a few people, it felt great. Even better because Jeff participated with me.

I am really frustrated right now. I've had a migraine for literally 43 days. They've done all kinds of things to get rid of it, and nothing is working. Tuesday, I go see the doctor. It is hard to function, and my chron's disease is giving me fits. I feel like I am whining, but seriously... I am so sick of being sick. Every day for 9 days I have been sick. I've only thrown up twice, but the stomach pain, irritability, and pain stemming from it is debilitating. I am physically ran down.

I am headed to the coast in a couple of hours, to meet my dad. He headed there tuesday, & Jeff & I are meeting him there tonight, through sunday, for some family time. I am secretly concerned that it may be the last chance I have for this. I am frustrated with time. Trying to do everything, be everywhere, and get everything done while feeling 10% well is the pits. I'm so dizzy right now, the room is spinning all around me, but I can't stop. I have to go take a shower, do my hair & makeup. Finish the laundry. FUCK vacuuming.. I was going to do that, but I have too much other stuff to do... Pack... go to auto oil changers & ask them why my car is leaking oil now, when it wasn't when I took it there... and drive to Morro Bay afterwards. I forgot the part about going to the store & picking up Jeff from work.

I'm just frustrated. And Jeff called me on the phone asking me what capris I was asking for... and his attitude was shitty. I didn't do anything. His attitude sucked though, and it brings me down when he's shitty to me for no reason, and it doesn't phase him at all... its his normal mode, so, I don't ever know how to handle it.
He wants to know if we're paying my dad [for my insurance policy] with a check, and of course I don't know.. so I called my dad to find out... twice... and he's not answering. He has a cell phone, but won't answer it. Has a cell phone, but won't set up the voice mail. Has a cell phone but refuses to learn to text... what is the point of paying $60 a month for a cell phone, when you choose to not use it??

See.... a rather pointless blog... but shit I had to get off my chest. I feel like I'm gonna throw up. I need less stress. Ironic, how no matter how happy I am, stress is still in the center of it all.

Fuck you. An ode to no one important.

Finally thoughts on a stupid situation.

I was looking at "friend pictures" for new uploads, and Cary has a shit ton. And in his "people I care about" folder he has a picture of me... caption says: "Scarlet... nothing will ever change"



That is what I have to say about that. I finally went off on him. This is what I said:

[Comment - Private]


Really? Everything's changed. None of it was true. You
broke my heart and lied to me, and I am not sure I can ever
forgive you for it. You.. I trusted you. I LET YOU IN. I
LET YOU PAST MY WALL. You took that for granted. I went out
on a limb to be real with you, totally unabashedly real. I
let you in places that before I ONLY LET T.PAUL INTO! And
that didn't matter to you. You say "I still care" but you
bailed on me during the most important phase of my life.
The last, hardest, most painful AND FUCKING ALONE TIME
during my cancer treatment. I literally had NO ONE. Stupid
me with all those feelings like... "If I really needed him,
I know he'd be there." How fucking naive of me to think
that. Then when I asked you would you be there when my
father dies, you say, "I'll be here for ya" ... here as in
wherever you are over the internet, because I will
definitely be functional enough to sit and chat online
after losing the only parent I've ever known and the last
piece of family I have living - who I actually LOVE despite
all his issues... yes... chatting online,
priority. You let me down in ways I didn't know
it was possible. You hurt me worse than JAKE. The levels of
anger I felt for you were immeasurable. It proved to be the
best thing for me. Because when I closed my heart to you,
and the back & forth ping pong you did with my heart, I
closed it off to everyone else too, and I took care of me.
In the process, I met Jeff. Who truly did fall in love with
me, who was unphased by me having cancer, who loves all my
fucked up emotional roller coaster maddness, who
appreciates me & all I do, supports me, puts me before
everyone else including himself AND treats me like a
Goddess. Treats me WAY better than I deserve, and I love
him with all my heart. I thought, I knew love before, but I
had no idea what it was. I loved T.Paul, but that was
different. I love Evie, that too is different. I love and
am IN love with Jeff... and He wants to spend the rest of
his life with me. Thank Goddess for listening to my
prayers, and helping me open my eyes to life. When I rid
myself of my anger... toward you, my junkie ass mom who
OD'd, my junkie ass sister who is dead to me, my dad, the
man who raped me, myself and you.... mysteriously, one week
later... *poof* cancer free. The best part? Jeff was at my
side when I got the news. I asked him, "So, do you want to
keep me around for awhile?" and he had a concerned look on
his face and said, "That's the plan...why" ...and I
said, "because I have just been declared cancer free!" He
almost shouted "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???" Smiled from
ear to ear, picked me up, squeezed the life out of me, and
swung me around. Celebrated with me. The sparkle still
hasn't left his eye. So, thank you, for breaking my heart,
and my spirit, because it allowed me to learn that I am so
much stronger than I ever thought - and there is nothing,
even cancer, that I cannot overcome.

I love by the way, how I had a webpage up for you for... a
long time, and the most you've ever done for me is ONE
photo edit, and this picture in the "people I care
about" folder... and on my myspace, I have the folder that
says "People I can't live, love, or breathe without" that
HAD 5 pictures of you in it, with 4 other people, for a
total of 5 people I was convinced I couldn't live without.
Now Kreeture, or Jess, comes into your life, and 50,0000000
photo edits later, AND HER OWN SECTION ON YOUR PAGE [hmmm
sounds familiar.... kinda like YOUR own page on my page]
and 1 lie that matters most to me out of all the
lies.... "She's just easier to do edits for, it comes to me
easier, I have to think with you. She's just a friend. I'll
do more for you when I have better ideas." Utter, complete,
total, bullshit. I am keeping the one edit you did for me,
because its an accurate depiction of my spirit. But KNOW,
that now, I know who you really are, and what you really
don't feel.

I almost apologized for not being good enough to have a
spot in your life, but you know something? I am. I am
better than good enough. I am strong, and amazing, and
beautiful, and I don't deserve what you did to me. I
considered you my absolute closest guy friend, living on
this earth, and you let me down.

You can delete me off your page, or whatever you'd like to
do, I needed to get this all off my chest. I am happy now,
finally, for the first time... maybe ever. I have never
known this kind of happy. I'm not healthy just yet... but I
will get there in time. I'm on my path... and its great for
me. I hope you find happiness in whatever it is you seek.
Let someone in. Stop breaking hearts.

Nothing will ever change. I wish I understood that.
You changed everything, literally, overnight.
Without warning, or explanation. Not cool.
I had to learn the hard way.
Blessed be.


So... that's that. Its done.

Mood: Betrayed. Wise. Over it.
Music: Manson - edge of the world

My Pitbulls & a trip down memory lane.

I have 2 pitbulls. They're my kids.

1)Dossier: Brutus aka "Brooster the Rooster the cock of the walk" - Darkside Kennel's "Brutus the Brutal" Razorsedge blood line American Pit Bull Terrier, purple ribbon registered, 5th generation champion Pit Bull. When I got him from the kennel, he was the charlie brown of the litter, he was 5 months old, and they had him in a cage so small that his tail was worn off 1 1/2 inches, because he still wagged it. He is the BEST animal ever... so sweet, and so mean. They were going to kill him, at Darkside, because he wasn't a puppy anymore, and they didn't want him, so I rescued him. I got him home, and nursed him back to health, got him to trust people, and eat solid food, all his shots & everything, and here we are, 5 years and 7 months later... and he's fat & sassy. Age: 6

2)Dossier: Rebel aka "James Dean, the Rebel with paws" - a total handful, miscreant, little bastard, destructive, fatmouth, defective-thinks-he's human-pitbull, LOVES to eat my high heels and owns my heart. He is the 1/2 brother of Cecil, who was killed 7 years ago. He is the product of a brindle pitbull & a blonde pitbull - impossible to throw a black & white puppy. But they had 11 puppies.... 1 was black and white. He is my rebel. Same father as Cecil, different mother.

Slideshow with both dogs:


Cecil the Deisel II:

He... was the one thing I loved in this world. More than anything. He was my baby boy. My ex husband killed him, November 16, 2003. Poisoned him. He died in my hands. He was so protective over me. Hated everyone BUT me. Humped everything.... before his eyes were open he was humping the air :lol after that nothing was off limits. He was so loving, and handsome, and I miss him SO much. I had a seizure one time, he was 4 months old, I was home alone, and he drug a cordless phone to me in the hall way, and chewed my nose & barked back & forth until I woke up. How he knew to get a phone, I will never know. We had an earthquake one day, and I was asleep in the water bed, and he was on the pillow beside me like a cat... and the quake hit us hard, rolled me out of bed onto the floor... and I see Cecil go UP...... and then Downnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn landing square on my face. He jumped off of me and sat and SCOWLED at me and chewed me out, barking at me for about 3 minutes... ya know, because its MY fault.



Anyways... that's my story.

Thanks for listening.

Re-posting of a 3 year old post.

Oddly enough, every friend I listed in here, I have discovered are truly not friends. I do not talk to any of them except Aimee. I have found the love I always wanted, and the word "God" has a much deeper meaning to me now as opposed to then since I've found, accepted, embraced & been honest about my Spirituality. My path is ever changing, my strength ebbs, and flows, but... I am only human.

Here goes:



Sent: Sunday, October 07, 2007 10:14 PM
Subject: my blog i wrote. without edit.


someone really made me think today. validated many thoughts.
now all that remains are questions only i can answer.

see, what i have learned is that the last year of my life has been the most traumataizing.
Those that really know me, Mel, MiMi, Jenn, Kimmy, Lexi, maybe even Solace, not sure... will probably be asking....... how?? How is that possible??
Yes. Im serious.
More traumatizing than my mom leaving.
More traumatizing than my dad having cancer.
More traumatizing than my mom dying.
More traumatizing than Ryan killing himself.
More traumatizing than Chris dying of lukemia.
More traumatizing than getting raped.... yes... and ill explain that.
More traumatizing than my best friend of all time dying.

Than all of that put together.
I am notorious for falling apart when bad things happen. Nervous breakdowns are my specialty. I had a nervous breakdown when all of those things happened..... and thats not the end of it, believe me.

But this year, as in June 2nd 06 to April 1st 07..... and a period of time thereafter, I allowed some of the worst things ever to happen to me. What makes it worse is that the man I allowed in my world, had been "friends" with me for several years, and had me snowed that he was something he was not. I learned, he was never my friend to begin with. Nor did he ever love me. The sick sad truth is, I was just a convenience to him, God knows why... but he played on my emotions and my mentality - a type of warfare that should never occur. Two people have understood that concept, everyone else who saw us was like "whatever you just fight alot." No one saw what went on behind closed doors. What he did to me was worse, because the man that hurt me when I was 15 didn't even know me. I was just another person to him. Jake really knew me, inside and out, like family. He knew my buttons, my likes, dislikes and needs. And he took full advantage of it and exploited my emotions to the utmost extent.

Self realization:
fulfillment by oneself of the possibilities of one's character or personality

2008 will be a year of self realization. Starting in 2007.
Today I realized that my feelings of not wanting a relationship are not so far out there. I dont want to "hook up", and Ive never been into meaningless sex. Its just not who I am or ever have been. But at the age I am, and in other terms the age we live in, its almost unheard of and unacceptable. But thats my decision. Things I want out of life: Happiness, Truth in honesty, Love, friendship - as in real solid friendships, soulmates.

Soulmate -for those that think it only applies to non plutonic relationships:

1) The one person who can always make you smile, who shares your hopes and dreams, who makes you whole.

2) Someone that you meet you feel an imediate connection to. Someone that makes you beleive in god due to the feelings that spring out of your heart and soul willing or unwilling you feel as though you need that person! It is greater than an earthly love! It is one soul two bodies! Enjoy the things shared do not get stuck on trying to define what you are just except that there are greater things that we have no words to explain they are just Godsent!

3) someone you have a very deep connection. It is not always easy explained. It is a meeting of mind, heart, body and soul on the highest of levels. Communication is at its easiest, as they understand you perfectly, and accept you completely with no judgments.

Get it? I have people in my life that I consider soulmates. Aimee. MiMi. Jenn. Solace. That connection exists so faintly in so many relationships, but I feel in my heart that through any unshakable crap that we may go through, or time, distance, miles, problems, even if I didnt see them for 40 years, we'd still be as close as we are today and pick up right where we left off today. Make sense? Im sure you know someone like that.

Someone once told me you can count your true friends in life on one hand. And I really think thats true. I am blessed to have a father that loves me, was able to provide me understanding for the non-understandable and peace of mind through the times i was so turmoltuous that I wasnt sure if I'd wake up the next morning.... and always took me back with total love and without judgment every time I'd screw up my life beyond repair. In addition to him, many people have came and gone from my life. More have gone than have stayed, and in truth, I've evicted many from my life for good reason.

No one wants to be hurt. Ive been hurt enough for 10 lifetimes. Im over it. Im done.

From here on, pain is not an option. Only good things.
I want to walk this journey. With God, my Dad, and my soulmates. If you want to come along, feel free to join me. We'll be checking our baggage at the gate - never to look back.

Love,
Faith

In Loving Memory of
Timothy Paul Ste. Marie
October 5, 1965 - May 31, 2007

AND SOME DAYS THEY SPLIT ATOMS
AND SOME DAYS THEY KICK STONES

Today they find our voice.
~T.Paul

VampireFreaks.com - ScarletMaleficent's Journal

VampireFreaks.com - ScarletMaleficent's Journal

One year ago today

One year ago today, my friend Andy passed away. He was killed in a fatal car crash, in Fullerton in the early morning hours. It was a horrific accident, the pictures still floo me, and I have a really hard time swallowing the fact that he's gone. We weren't best friends or anything like that. But I met him when we were 16 or 17, and he was the nicest guy ever, one of the most loveable people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, and when he died, the world lost a great man. He was so talented. And so short!! Haha... he was a little shorter than me, and we joked about that every time we talked. He got me started on Newcastle... lol... which I fervently hated... but is now my favorite beer. Thanks Andy. For the newcastle, and for the memories. You remain in my thoughts, my friend.

Life is so short. Time goes by, so fast. Cherish every day, because you just never know if tomorrow will come or not. We can say our lives are in our hands, but we have no control over the actions of others. Unfortunately, sometimes it is the actions of others, that lead us to destruction, and demise.
Andy was also known as Andrew Martinez, Mr. Pink, Little guy, and most commonly.... Andy DeMize. He was the drummer in the Nekromantix, he was also previously a drummer with the Rocketz. Celebrity wasn't his thing. Music was. But if you met him in a bar, it'd be like meeting up with an old friend you've known your whole life. So, raise your glasses, and have a Newcastle or 3 for Andy.
I miss you Andy. Cheers.
Two killed, two hurt when car careens off 57 freeway

Car ignites trees; driver and a passenger arrested in Fullerton crash...
By BARBARA GIASONE
The Orange Count. Register

FULLERTON – Two people are dead and two critically injured after an early morning crash off the 57 freeway south of Imper..ial Highway, Fullerton Fire Operations Chief Gary Dominguez said... Freeway lanes were inter..mitte..ntly shut down and traffic tied up until 11 a.m.

The vehicle was traveling south bound on the 57 freew..ay when the driver lost control, went over an embankment.. and hit a tree The car burst into flames, igniting a grove of eucalyptus trees The driver and another passenger either were ejected or fled the scene, officials said.

Firefighters responded to reports of a fire in eucalyptus trees at 4:40 a.m. and found the car with the two dead occupants at the base of the trees along a strawberry field, Dominguez said The driver later called 911 from a nearby strawberry field seeking medical attention, according to CHP Sgt. Paul Pines, who was investigating the accident at the scene. The driver was arrested on suspicion of DUI; the driver and the surviving passenger, who also was arrested, were taken to UCI Medical Center. Dominguez said they were listed in critical condition.

According to Pines, the vehicle was so badly twisted and shredded it was barely recognizable as a vintage Chevy Nova.

"I've neve seen a car like this," he said... "As for the condition of the car and people in it, pretty bad."

The SigAlert backed up traff..ic much of the morning as officers intermittently closed all lanes for investigations at the scene. All lanes were reopened at 11 a.m.

The CHP is handling the accident, Dominguez said Neither further details of the crash nor the names of the victims currently were available.