3 years ago, this day.

Sometimes, someone so dynamic walks through your life...
that when they walk away, the energy they had still resonates
through every fiber of your being.
so that when you close your eyes you can still feel them there.
Remember their touch, their smell and their smile.
and you can’t help but smile, …. Back at the memory.
and you look beside you as you see their footprints...
far to strong to fade away.
And still... I live on. My life a map of everything I am, and ever have been, remembering sights unseen and uncried tears, and tracing the laugh lines they left behind.
T.Paul's body may not be here... but he's more alive than ever.

He ... is... like the wind. Everywhere. Only alive and well and on his way around the world and back.... schooling *us* on what it is to be unabashedly happy.... without reservations. Its amazing.....
But, then… as I said, sometimes, someone so dynamic walks through your life...
that when they walk away, the energy they had still resonates
through every fiber of your being.
so that when you close your eyes you can still feel them there.
Remember their touch, their smell and their smile.
and you can’t help but smile, …. Back at the memory.
and you look beside you as you see their footprints...
far to strong to fade away.
Copyright Faith Lowery 2010

♥♥Timothy Paule Ste. Marie♥♥
"Sorrow rebuild me as I step out of the light Misery strengthen me as I say my goodbyes I heal my wounds with grief And dream of you And weep myself alive" - HIM





The only person to ever loved me unconditionally died May 31 2007.
His name was T.Paul Ste. Marie... he was... is... my best friend. Three years later, I still find myself forcing breathe between the tears, But I close my eyes, and still see him there.

After he died, too little too late I learned to appreciate every moment of my life. Until my last breath my friend, missing you always.





Where The Moss Slowly Grows

And so another journey has come to an end
Another moment passed
that will not, will not come again
Resting in the shade of oaks,
so it has always been
And it's true that i'll miss you
but i'll see, i'll see you again
I'll see you again

Embrace, this joy this pain
Don't miss this chance, it will not come again
You mean more than you may ever know
Don't linger where the moss slowly grows

There are so many things I wish I could've said
It might not have changed your mind
but sometimes we just need hope alleged
Above the mountains shadow
the sunset timly glows
The oaks will look down on our heads
forever and our dreams will be no more
We should not ever let them go

Embrace, this joy, this pain
Don't miss this chance, it will not come again
You mean more than you may ever know
Don't linger where the moss slowly grows

I remember those summers
stretched on without end
Future comes so loudly and the oaks,
the oaks were silent then
Silence forever, conversations in my head
Might not have changed your mind
but if we'd spoken
Here's what i'd have said
Here's what I would've said....

Embrace, this joy this pain
Don't miss this chance, it will not come again
You mean more than you may ever know
Don't linger where the moss slowly grows

so, its my buddy Gzus' birthday...

And since it is, he gets to be spotlighted, dig it or not. ;-)



For Gzus...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

YOU'RE ONE BAD ASS JUNKIE
AND I'M SO GLAD TO KNOW YOU.



Ya Junkie cheeseball shit right there, but I love you brother! I hope you have an amazing birthday... I wish you were closer so we could help you celebrate, BUT when you guys get back from touring... don't count the idea out!! I hope its the best birthday so far... and I am so glad, to call you friend. You are among the tiny group of people I can validly call 'hero' and the shit you've indirectly helped me through is priceless... but truthfully after ALL these years... the person that you are, is a blessing to my life. Again, I love you & Happy Birthday. <3



and we're gonna have an ongoing birthday wish thread for you over here at http://vampirefreaks.com/group_comment.php?entry=3973206

So... stop by when you can.



h3ro. thats you.

Fucking stressed out anniversary.

I swear.
Its our "anniversary"
and doesn't even feel like it.
Hello?? Do I even reister on the radar?
I don't THINK so....
I have done some shit today
that broke my heart
was not fun, and totally sucked...
and am dealing with 4 dying puppies
born last night... that should not
by any means of justification exist
because they're inbred
and when I found out she was prego
I flipped and I'm depressed as fuck
and stupid sad and whatever.
I gotta go.

on a seperate note...
It shoulda been me.

profound honest quote of the day.

"the useless drags the empty days the lonely towers of long mistakes. forgotten faces & faded loves, sitting still was never enough." -Smashing Pumpkins, Here is no why.

i had this dream about someone, living far away, and I was working in that area... goddess knows why... but i was, and they lived up a small mountain... and had this place that spread out pretty decent, and of all things had skate ramps setup in the back... I had the address and walked, because one cannot drive and reach the house so i walked, and it was snowing and the trail thing was really thin and it was extremely difficult, but I finally made it. They were surprised, but glad to see me, and they were like, "how come you didn't call? I would've picked you up." and I gave them this look: and said "because you don't have a phone" and so we hung out and talked for a few hours & i left because i had to walk down the path again to get to my hotel for work. Fast forward 7 weeks, and I'm back working in the same place, and i do the same thing. Only this time I am carrying a blueberry loaf... because I made them one from scratch to have, and im having a super hard time navigating this path holding this loaf, but i finally get there, and they're not so happy to see me, they're irritated, but they had 7 other people at the house,and they were all in the back skating in the snow and they were like "i wish you would've called, I would've been ready" and again I give you this face, and say "You don't have a phone..." and they were like, "I do too, I got one 7 days ago, you can call or text, its gonna cost you $7 per text message."
[the recurrance of the number 7 is so bizzare.] So I give them the loaf, and they think its dumb, and its later in the day, I didnt stay very long because there is no light to see to get down the trails, so I leave and its... dusk-ish... and I asked them if they'd walk with me to the head of the trail [down the street from their house, because they did last time] and they say, "No, its too dangerous." and I'm like... "Ya I know its dangerous, Im the one who walked up here alone, and is walking back alone because I wanted to see you while I had the chance, are you seriously not gonna walk down the street with me?" and they were like "Seriously, its too dangerous, I'm sorry, but if you would've called I would've told you not to come."

.... =( ....

Not, a happy dream. at least not the second half.


Fact: Five minutes after the end of the dream, half the content is forgotten. After ten minutes, 90% is lost. can you imagine the in between details that im not remembering?
So, since so much stuck with me, I interpreted elements where I could:

dream interpretation:
7, snow, mountain, unreachable, dangerous, sad, blueberry loaf, fear

Snow
To see snow in your dream, signifies your inhibitions, repressed/unexpressed emotions and feelings of frigidity. You need to release and express these emotions and inhibitions. You may also be feeling indifferent, alone and neglected. If the snow is melting, then it suggests that you are acknowledging and releasing emotions you have repressed. You are overcoming your fears and obstacles. If the snow is dirty, then it refers to a loss in innocence, impurity and uncleanness. Some aspect of yourself or situation has been tainted. It also relates to frozen emotion. Icy snow that is unmoving and frozen, symbolizes lack of change in emotion.

mountain/fear - mountains are the place where heaven and earh meet. the mountain providing passaage from one plane to another [be it a plane of normalcy to happiness, or life to death]. The mountain is a sacred place symbolizing aspiration and renunciation of worldly desires and the search for higher potential and spirituality. If your dream of a mountain posesses the fear of falling off and splattering your body in several directions, it symbolizes that you are putting yourself in an emotional position to fall from great hights, and you need to discover within yourself what it is that would force you or compell you to follow dangerous "height" in your waking life. If you fear falling into seperate directions, perhaps you're seeking a sense of wholeness, and perhaps your head and heart aren't working in harmony. *sigh* So, thats pretty plain english to me. I seek a better relationship with you, the mountain symbolizes you being out of my reach, the fear symbolizes my fear of never reaching you or failing if i do, and the fear of the fall symbolizes my fortitude that it is worth the risk, to try to achieve that harmony.

Seven
Seven signifies mental perfection, healing, completion, music and attainment of high spirituality. Additionally, you are unique and eccentric. [considering the individual it makes so much sense.]

Bread/loaf
To see bread in your dream, represents the basic needs of life. Bread may signify the positive qualities and great things you have learned on your journey of life. Alternatively, it suggests that you need to rise above the situation or rise for the occasion.

Blueberries
To see blueberries in your dream, represents your youth and the desire to recapture aspects of your youth. It is a symbol of eternity and optimism of the future. Alternatively, it may depict your depressed mood and sadden state of mind.

Rejection
To dream that you are being rejected, signifies a lack of self-worth and alienation of others. If you are being rejected by a lover, then it suggests that you are you are rejecting some part of your own characteristic.

Fear
To dream that you feel fear, indicates that your achievements will not be as successful as you had anticipated. You are experiencing anxieties in various aspects of your life. The key to overcoming your fear is to discuss them and deal with them openly.

Soooooooo that being said, this website is cool and fairly accurate as far as I'm concerned, so check it out if you're interested...

Dream Dictionary

This helps me take my mind of things.

1. Name, please.
Scarlet (FaithL

2. Approximate Age.
26

3. Are you happy in your life?
Tough question. I'm happy with the way things are, but I myself am not actually happy... it has nothing to do with anyone or anything in my life, its just a fight I fight.

4. Do you feel like anything is missing? If so, what do you want?
Yes. And I can't say.

5. Do you plan on being a musician/artist/writer?
I don't plan on it, I am a writer.

6. Do you think you are artistic?
In my own way.

7. Have you ever tried hard drugs?
No

8. If so, have they changed your life?
They have, and I never even tried them. But they killed my mom.

9. What age would you like to die?
O_O No idea.

10. Would you let your kids smoke weed?
Not in my house.

11. Are you an angry person?
Yes

12. Do you laugh a lot, but don’t really mean it?
Yeah, I think to myself too much.

13. Do you like to think you are popular?
Nope. Don't have any desire to be.

14. Describe your most terrifying dream.
They wouldn't make sense to you. Its supernatural stuff, involving those that I love, witchcraft, pure evil, and not being strong enough to stop shit. Its the same theme, with different scenarios every night.

15. What band would you die to see live?
H.I.M. and the Smashing Pumpkins. I probably will see neither. Every other band I want to see is easy.

16. How would you like to die?
In the arms of the one I love.

17. What’s your opinion on self-mutilation?
It is a disease. I think if people do it for attention they should be knocked on their ass because some of us really do HAVE to do it.

18. Do you believe in capitalism?
I don't care.

19. Communism?
I don't care.

20. Libertarianism?
I seriously don't care.

21. Would you rather be an anarchist or a socialite?
Neither. I walk my own undefined path.

22. Freedom of speech or controlled society?
Freedom of speech, duh.

23. Obama or Bush?
No.

24. Would you consider yourself intelligent?
Yes.

25. When was the last time you cried?
Last night

26. When was the last time you laughed?
Um. Saturday.

27. Who is your last text from?
Evie

28. What did it say?
onoz....

29. Ever had your ass kicked?
no

30. What’s your middle name?
Brandielle

31. Single or taken?
Taken.

32. If taken, do you love this person?
Yes.

33. If single, what are you looking for in someone?
Nope.

34. Sex or love?
Both, please.

35. Who is your best friend?
Evie. and Jeff. And T.Paul

36. Why is this person your best friend?
Evie is like my sister, Jeff is my other half, T.Paul, is was and always will be my mentor and I miss him so much.

37. Are you moody?
Fuckin-A

38. Are you depressed?
Fuckin-A

39. What do you think of abortion?
It varies. I'm pro-choice. But, I don't view it as a form of birth control. I think that in consenting relationships both parties should agree to the abortion [dads have rights too], if they don't know who the dad is there should be a valid reason they can't carry & adopt out the child, but then the cases of rape that end up in pregnancy... handle it.

40. Are you in a good mood today?
No

41. If not, why are you not?
I am never... in a good mood

42. Are you afraid of the swine flu?
Fuck no.

43. Are you afraid to be yourself?
Afraid no. Hate it, yeah.

44. What would you label yourself?
a Faith. someone who doesn't fit in a box, lives for love and music, has mood swings that will give you whiplash, and a serious addiction to books & coffee.

45. Do you live with your parents?
Nope.

46. How many siblings do you have?
2 & 2. I could care less about any of them.

47. Do you wear skinny jeans?
Not lately

48. Are you emo?
No.

49. Are you aware that all emo kids look exactly the same?
They do not, the world needs to stop being so insecure and stop picking on the emo kids. Let them be. There was a time you were something no one else understood... those kids just happen to connect on a bizarre level.

50. Are you a hater?
I hate everyone equally.

51. Are you anti-racist?
Racism is stupid. Like I said, I hate everyone equally.

52. Explain your personality in 3 words.
Emotional, Deep, Intense

53. What do you wish your name was?
Scarlet

54. How old do you want to be when you get married?
there is no answer for this question

55. What do you want to name your kids?
Lauralei, Colin, Jade, Liam

56. What kind of hairstyle do you want?
I have it. Its like an alice cullen pixie.
Yet amazingly not one decent picture of it exists. *hrmph.*

57. When was the last time you brushed your teeth?
This morning

58. What are you wearing right now?
nothing

59. Say something random.
I'm lying here on the floor where you left me, I think I took too much. I'm crying here what have you done, I thought it would be fun. I can't stay on your life support theres a shortage in the switch, I cant stay on your morphine cuz its making me itch, I tried to call the nurse again but shes being a little bitch.... I swear, you're just like a pill, instead of makin me better, you're making me ill.

60. What do you wear to bed?
nothing

61. What color is your underwear?
O_O

62. Am I getting too personal?
Nope.

63. What’s your view on nihilism?
I think if it works for you, then go for it, but be real with yourself, whatever you choose.

64. Pacifism?
Is a pipe dream

65. Do you think the drug culture is misunderstood?
No

66. Are you a fan of Hunter S Thompson?
Not so much.

67. Do you read literature?
I do

68. Do you love horror movies?
Every minute of every day

69. What’s your favourite one?
I love nightmare on elm street, friday the 13th, halloween, and ...lol... behind the mask: the rise of leslie vernon. I know. not a "to be taken serious" horror, but still!!

70. Do you like comedies?
Yes.

71. Are you a smoker?
Yes

72. Do you smoke cigars/cigarillos?
Occasionally

73. Do you have anger problems?
I do

74. Do you know someone who has a mental illness?
Yes. Me. And almost everyone else.

75. Have you had someone close to you die of cancer?
My best friend.

76. What do you want to be next Halloween?
I'm gonna be Nyx.

77. What grade are you in?
Grade 27 in the school of life.

78. When do you graduate?
I graduated in 2001.

79. Do you talk to yourself?
Of course. Who doesn't.

80. What color are your toenails?
Red

81. Has anyone ever told you you have a nice smile?
yes

82. Nice eyes?
sometimes

83. Ever broken a bone?
My skull... thats it. They say my wrist was broken in 3 places, BUT, I don't think so.

84. Got a black eye?
LOL... yeah once or twice.

85. Nose bleed?
Yes.

86. Ever been so mad you cried?
On the daily.

87. What’s your favourite quote?
Mother is the name for god on the lips & hearts of all children.

88. Are you listening to anything right now?
Not anymore. I was listening to Pink - who knew.

89. What are you addicted too?
Nothing really. But choice addictions are coffee & books & music.

Distractions for my brain.

Whats your favorite color gummy bear?
The clear ones, because they're pineappley.

What is the sexiest part of the opposite sexes body?
Eyes.

Have you ever made up/sang a song for someone you cared about?
Yes. I sing to Jeff all the time & he tells me to shut up.

Ever had a song sang about/for you?
For me, yes, about me no.

Is there a baby in the room with you right now?
No

Do you know how to dance?
Yes, I do.

Where do you sing the most, in the car, the shower or other?
the car, the bedroom... usually not the shower anymore

What is your favorite thing that is green?
Money

What did your last text message say?
yes, yes i did.

Boxers, briefs or boxer briefs?
Boxer briefs

What is your middle name?
Brandielle

What is the way to your heart?
There are many paths to that destination.

What do you smell like?
lavendar

Whats in your pocket?
i has no pockets.

Anything in your mouth?
no

Ever hurt yourself playing Wii?
yes

Do you have freckles?
too many

How many languages can you say "Hello" in?
at least 5

Whats the last movie you saw in the theater?
Uh... Clash of the Titans

Ever jumped/fallen/been pushed in a pool with your clothes on?
Yes.

Are you wearing any clothes that you wore yesterday?
no

Name a song that you know all the words to: I should kill you

Are you in love with someone right now?
Yep

Whats the last thing you watched on TV?
Legion. I don't actually watch TV... So.. thats the last thing I watched on A tv.

Whats the last video game you played?
gears of war.

Who is your daddy and what does he do?
Dad is my dad, and he is a badass.

Can you do the alphabet in sign language?
Yes

Do you have an uncle named Joe?
No

What word do you use when people pass gas?
depends who and where

Do you wear glasses?
I should

What can you hear right now?
rain

Did you feel better or worse or the same yesterday?
WAY worse

Ever been overseas?
No.

What are your plans for today?
Feel Better, Fail.

How long have you had MySpace?
For like... 9 years

What was your favorite childhood show?
No clue

Are you close to your siblings?
no

What was your first job?
papa johns. i got raped there.

Do you bite your nails?
no

Do you like your feet?
no

Do you sleep well at night?
No.

personality disorder test

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --