pardon me in advance, for the emotes. the things that look like this: :word :smile :angry, etc. I typed this originally on VF... so, my apologies.
I'm all upside down these days.
I'm happy. I am thrilled with life with Jeff - so no one panic.
But like, the last 9 days...
Ive been so sick... with what i thought was
the flu, but its been forever. :angry and my right ear
canal has swollen shut because of it, and I am
literally deaf in that ear... but i guess
supposedly according to my dr its temporary.
But seriously, thursday I got the first and worst earache imaginable
and by that night I couldnt hear... and
its only gotten worse. Since the hearing damage
to my LEFT ear is permanent, and I have 65-75% hearing loss
and so that leaves me now... currently.. almost totally deaf.
I'm sitting here :emo Emo & crying because i am trying to listen
to music and can barely hear it... and its so loud.
I'm so afraid of losing my hearing.. totally...
never hearing music... never hearing my pups... Jeffs voice... Evie...
the roar of a big block chevy... just never hearing again.
im constantly in pain. and sad... its weird.
because while im sad im so happy.... He makes me so happy.
Everything is perfectly flawed with us, in every way it should be.
Valentines day... deserves its own seperate journal, so it will get one.
But like, I emailed JLynn, and said... the best I can say...
"we are noah and allie from the notebook. when hes not around & we fight i cant breath.
when hes at work he texts me constantly. we count the moments...
there are so many things i just dont know how to put into words or
in a picture or anything... because nothing represents it."
And thats all pretty accurate... but yet not enough.
Because I hear him in every love song, find him in every dream
and every tomorrow, so... He, I... Us.. we are indescribable.
i havent been online and around though lately because ive
been so sick. im so upside down with my body though...
i dunno what to do to fix it.
I wanna show you all my ring & roses & puppy & stuff.
Jeff bought me a fish. :diddle
The fish is a black moors, and Jeffs last name is moore
so, I named the fish
"Jasper the Lady Gaga Black Moors Moore" :laughchair
I wanted to name him Jasper, for jasper cullen
because he's my favorite cullen, and Jeff gave me a Jasper cullen valentine :XD
But he also bought me the lady gaga CD [major guilty pleasure] Sooooooo Jeff was like "I was thinking we name him Lady Gaga" So I was like, why? Lady Gaga is a girl...
then we both laughed because, duh, she's a hermaphradite
Soooo, I came up with Jasper the Lady Gaga Black Moors Moore. :diddle
Okay. I gotta blow this joint. More later.
Scarlet Maleficent - Flagrantly offensive doing evil or harm. Enough Said.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Valentines day roses from my love.
I'd like to share my Snapfish photos with you. Once you have checked out my photos you can order prints and upload your own photos to share.
Click here to view photos
Thursday, February 11, 2010
The ring, from Jeff, "I love you will you be my broad?" :)
I'd like to share my Snapfish photos with you. Once you have checked out my photos you can order prints and upload your own photos to share.
Click here to view photos
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Dear Grandma,
Dear Grandma,
I've only been mad at you 3 times that I can remember my whole life.
Well, today is number four.
How dare you, not teach me all that you had to teach.
You were such a good cook (when you wanted to be.) You were an amazing lady with all things baked goods, and you made the most bitchin hams ever. And I want you to know that right now I am SEVERELY PISSED OF AT YOU FOR DYING WITHOUT EVER TAKING THE TIME TO TEACH ME. I'm making a ham. FINE! I'm making a glaze. NOT FINE! I have never met anything in the kitchen I can't do UNTIL IT WAS TIME TO MAKE A FUCKING HAM GLAZE! because I followed the directions. I improvised. I was logical. I made it with love, and GUESS WHAT?? NO GLAZE!!! And there is no one else to ask. Dad's busy doing errands, & cannot do cell phone & other things, mom is dead and even if not, USELESS in the kitchen as far as I know, I have NO OTHER FAMILY.... my FRIENDS won't give me their GOD DAMN PHONE NUMBERS so I can text them .... and Jeff is at work. sad
it really makes one feel.... alone... when she looks around and realizes she has practically no one. I have Evie. I have Dad. I have Jeff. Where is everyone else?
I miss you, grandma. And I really need you around these days, and I am sad.
I hope things are better wherever it is that you roam these days. I hope you don't have to make ham glazes there. I love you.
and I can't make a ham glaze. FML.
Love always,
your favorite granddaughter.
I've only been mad at you 3 times that I can remember my whole life.
Well, today is number four.
How dare you, not teach me all that you had to teach.
You were such a good cook (when you wanted to be.) You were an amazing lady with all things baked goods, and you made the most bitchin hams ever. And I want you to know that right now I am SEVERELY PISSED OF AT YOU FOR DYING WITHOUT EVER TAKING THE TIME TO TEACH ME. I'm making a ham. FINE! I'm making a glaze. NOT FINE! I have never met anything in the kitchen I can't do UNTIL IT WAS TIME TO MAKE A FUCKING HAM GLAZE! because I followed the directions. I improvised. I was logical. I made it with love, and GUESS WHAT?? NO GLAZE!!! And there is no one else to ask. Dad's busy doing errands, & cannot do cell phone & other things, mom is dead and even if not, USELESS in the kitchen as far as I know, I have NO OTHER FAMILY.... my FRIENDS won't give me their GOD DAMN PHONE NUMBERS so I can text them .... and Jeff is at work. sad
it really makes one feel.... alone... when she looks around and realizes she has practically no one. I have Evie. I have Dad. I have Jeff. Where is everyone else?
I miss you, grandma. And I really need you around these days, and I am sad.
I hope things are better wherever it is that you roam these days. I hope you don't have to make ham glazes there. I love you.
and I can't make a ham glaze. FML.
Love always,
your favorite granddaughter.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Mood theme chart
pardon me in advance for the emotes, i typed this originally on VF, not thinking, so the words like this: :emote :sad :happy :diddle, etc., are emotes.
:diddle
Except... the VERY last picture looks disturbingly like Tommy Gnosis.
:paranoid
Kudos to you if you know who Tommy Gnosis is without the use of Google or any such contraption.
This ladies & Gentleman, is my profound sharing of the day. Enjoy it.
:diddle
Except... the VERY last picture looks disturbingly like Tommy Gnosis.
:paranoid
Kudos to you if you know who Tommy Gnosis is without the use of Google or any such contraption.
This ladies & Gentleman, is my profound sharing of the day. Enjoy it.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Mom.
So it has been 8 years, today, since my mom OD'd.
Or, well, some say since she "died".
I know the truth, I don't care to argue about it.
I will never forget that phone call.
My sister, "Sissy.... mom's dead..."
Me: "what do you mean, moms dead?"
Her: "She's dead... papa went to see her shes dead."
Me: "This isn't funny Brittany Anne."
Her: -Sobbing uncontrollably-
Me: Put grandma on the phone
Her: -Hands grandma the phone-
Grandma: -Sobbing- "Hello?"
Me: "Hey... whats wrong? What's going on?"
Grandma: "Its your mom Faith, she's passed away."
Me: "Seriously?"
Grandma: "Yes honey. We tried calling her since last night & never got an answer, so today papa went over to check on her, and she had passed away in bed."
I don't remember much after that. I remember giving my dad the phone.
I remember going numb.
I called someone.... but I don't remember who.
I don't remember... anything really.
It is all a blur, between there & the "wake" that was held for her at grandma's house. What a fiasco. I didn't dress in black mourning attire, I wore MY kind of clothes. Clothes that were also remniscent of the REAL BRENDA - before she got strung out. So they all looked down on me, the oldest child, as disrespectful. Like any one of those losers knew shit. Fucking enablers. My sister, was there with her gang banger friends. That was awesome. [not]. My dad gave a beautiful speach, which pissed everyone off.... idiots. I gave a eulogy.... that no one appreciated. I was honest. I told the truth, how life really was. Shared my feelings, my love, my hate, my forgiveness and understanding. But I don't sugercoat life. Or death. That is what they wanted. So once again, I, the preverbial black sheep of the family, who looks just like my mother according to so many, was looked down upon. I had no desire to be there. I almost didn't go... I don't remember what compelled me to go... but I did. I remember being literally 1 block away, not wanting to go, and telling my dad I didn't want to go. It is all so blurry.
So here we are 8 years later. No mom. Her spirit hangs around. Its not the same. I miss her sometimes, I hate her sometimes, I love her sometimes, and sometimes I just wish I had a chance to have a conversation with her that is better than the last one we had - a fight - where she yelled at me, and hung up on me, and that was our last talk.
Right now, I miss her, & I am angry with her. Justifiably.
I have questions only she can answer, only she can't. not really.
I am frustrated, overwhelmed, and overloaded with life and emotions.
Layne Stayley sings me through my bad times, along with Mary Magdalan.
She was 42. Too young to die.
Stupid dope. Stupid heroine. Stupid everything.
Scary's on the wall
Scary's on the wall
Watch where you spit
I'd advise you wait until it's over
Then you got hit
And you shoulda known better
And we die young
Faster we run
Down, down, down you're rollin'
Watch the blood float in the muddy sewer
Take another hit
And bury your brother
And we die young
Faster we run
Scary's on the wall
Scary's on his way
Another alley trip
Bullet seek the place to bend you over
Then you got hit
And you shoulda known better
Faster we run
And we die young
Or, well, some say since she "died".
I know the truth, I don't care to argue about it.
I will never forget that phone call.
My sister, "Sissy.... mom's dead..."
Me: "what do you mean, moms dead?"
Her: "She's dead... papa went to see her shes dead."
Me: "This isn't funny Brittany Anne."
Her: -Sobbing uncontrollably-
Me: Put grandma on the phone
Her: -Hands grandma the phone-
Grandma: -Sobbing- "Hello?"
Me: "Hey... whats wrong? What's going on?"
Grandma: "Its your mom Faith, she's passed away."
Me: "Seriously?"
Grandma: "Yes honey. We tried calling her since last night & never got an answer, so today papa went over to check on her, and she had passed away in bed."
I don't remember much after that. I remember giving my dad the phone.
I remember going numb.
I called someone.... but I don't remember who.
I don't remember... anything really.
It is all a blur, between there & the "wake" that was held for her at grandma's house. What a fiasco. I didn't dress in black mourning attire, I wore MY kind of clothes. Clothes that were also remniscent of the REAL BRENDA - before she got strung out. So they all looked down on me, the oldest child, as disrespectful. Like any one of those losers knew shit. Fucking enablers. My sister, was there with her gang banger friends. That was awesome. [not]. My dad gave a beautiful speach, which pissed everyone off.... idiots. I gave a eulogy.... that no one appreciated. I was honest. I told the truth, how life really was. Shared my feelings, my love, my hate, my forgiveness and understanding. But I don't sugercoat life. Or death. That is what they wanted. So once again, I, the preverbial black sheep of the family, who looks just like my mother according to so many, was looked down upon. I had no desire to be there. I almost didn't go... I don't remember what compelled me to go... but I did. I remember being literally 1 block away, not wanting to go, and telling my dad I didn't want to go. It is all so blurry.
So here we are 8 years later. No mom. Her spirit hangs around. Its not the same. I miss her sometimes, I hate her sometimes, I love her sometimes, and sometimes I just wish I had a chance to have a conversation with her that is better than the last one we had - a fight - where she yelled at me, and hung up on me, and that was our last talk.
Right now, I miss her, & I am angry with her. Justifiably.
I have questions only she can answer, only she can't. not really.
I am frustrated, overwhelmed, and overloaded with life and emotions.
Layne Stayley sings me through my bad times, along with Mary Magdalan.
She was 42. Too young to die.
Stupid dope. Stupid heroine. Stupid everything.
Scary's on the wall
Scary's on the wall
Watch where you spit
I'd advise you wait until it's over
Then you got hit
And you shoulda known better
And we die young
Faster we run
Down, down, down you're rollin'
Watch the blood float in the muddy sewer
Take another hit
And bury your brother
And we die young
Faster we run
Scary's on the wall
Scary's on his way
Another alley trip
Bullet seek the place to bend you over
Then you got hit
And you shoulda known better
Faster we run
And we die young
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