3 years ago, this day.

Sometimes, someone so dynamic walks through your life...
that when they walk away, the energy they had still resonates
through every fiber of your being.
so that when you close your eyes you can still feel them there.
Remember their touch, their smell and their smile.
and you can’t help but smile, …. Back at the memory.
and you look beside you as you see their footprints...
far to strong to fade away.
And still... I live on. My life a map of everything I am, and ever have been, remembering sights unseen and uncried tears, and tracing the laugh lines they left behind.
T.Paul's body may not be here... but he's more alive than ever.

He ... is... like the wind. Everywhere. Only alive and well and on his way around the world and back.... schooling *us* on what it is to be unabashedly happy.... without reservations. Its amazing.....
But, then… as I said, sometimes, someone so dynamic walks through your life...
that when they walk away, the energy they had still resonates
through every fiber of your being.
so that when you close your eyes you can still feel them there.
Remember their touch, their smell and their smile.
and you can’t help but smile, …. Back at the memory.
and you look beside you as you see their footprints...
far to strong to fade away.
Copyright Faith Lowery 2010

♥♥Timothy Paule Ste. Marie♥♥
"Sorrow rebuild me as I step out of the light Misery strengthen me as I say my goodbyes I heal my wounds with grief And dream of you And weep myself alive" - HIM





The only person to ever loved me unconditionally died May 31 2007.
His name was T.Paul Ste. Marie... he was... is... my best friend. Three years later, I still find myself forcing breathe between the tears, But I close my eyes, and still see him there.

After he died, too little too late I learned to appreciate every moment of my life. Until my last breath my friend, missing you always.





Where The Moss Slowly Grows

And so another journey has come to an end
Another moment passed
that will not, will not come again
Resting in the shade of oaks,
so it has always been
And it's true that i'll miss you
but i'll see, i'll see you again
I'll see you again

Embrace, this joy this pain
Don't miss this chance, it will not come again
You mean more than you may ever know
Don't linger where the moss slowly grows

There are so many things I wish I could've said
It might not have changed your mind
but sometimes we just need hope alleged
Above the mountains shadow
the sunset timly glows
The oaks will look down on our heads
forever and our dreams will be no more
We should not ever let them go

Embrace, this joy, this pain
Don't miss this chance, it will not come again
You mean more than you may ever know
Don't linger where the moss slowly grows

I remember those summers
stretched on without end
Future comes so loudly and the oaks,
the oaks were silent then
Silence forever, conversations in my head
Might not have changed your mind
but if we'd spoken
Here's what i'd have said
Here's what I would've said....

Embrace, this joy this pain
Don't miss this chance, it will not come again
You mean more than you may ever know
Don't linger where the moss slowly grows

Mom.

So it has been 8 years, today, since my mom OD'd.
Or, well, some say since she "died".
I know the truth, I don't care to argue about it.

I will never forget that phone call.
My sister, "Sissy.... mom's dead..."
Me: "what do you mean, moms dead?"
Her: "She's dead... papa went to see her shes dead."
Me: "This isn't funny Brittany Anne."
Her: -Sobbing uncontrollably-
Me: Put grandma on the phone
Her: -Hands grandma the phone-
Grandma: -Sobbing- "Hello?"
Me: "Hey... whats wrong? What's going on?"
Grandma: "Its your mom Faith, she's passed away."
Me: "Seriously?"
Grandma: "Yes honey. We tried calling her since last night & never got an answer, so today papa went over to check on her, and she had passed away in bed."

I don't remember much after that. I remember giving my dad the phone.
I remember going numb.
I called someone.... but I don't remember who.
I don't remember... anything really.
It is all a blur, between there & the "wake" that was held for her at grandma's house. What a fiasco. I didn't dress in black mourning attire, I wore MY kind of clothes. Clothes that were also remniscent of the REAL BRENDA - before she got strung out. So they all looked down on me, the oldest child, as disrespectful. Like any one of those losers knew shit. Fucking enablers. My sister, was there with her gang banger friends. That was awesome. [not]. My dad gave a beautiful speach, which pissed everyone off.... idiots. I gave a eulogy.... that no one appreciated. I was honest. I told the truth, how life really was. Shared my feelings, my love, my hate, my forgiveness and understanding. But I don't sugercoat life. Or death. That is what they wanted. So once again, I, the preverbial black sheep of the family, who looks just like my mother according to so many, was looked down upon. I had no desire to be there. I almost didn't go... I don't remember what compelled me to go... but I did. I remember being literally 1 block away, not wanting to go, and telling my dad I didn't want to go. It is all so blurry.

So here we are 8 years later. No mom. Her spirit hangs around. Its not the same. I miss her sometimes, I hate her sometimes, I love her sometimes, and sometimes I just wish I had a chance to have a conversation with her that is better than the last one we had - a fight - where she yelled at me, and hung up on me, and that was our last talk.

Right now, I miss her, & I am angry with her. Justifiably.
I have questions only she can answer, only she can't. not really.
I am frustrated, overwhelmed, and overloaded with life and emotions.
Layne Stayley sings me through my bad times, along with Mary Magdalan.

She was 42. Too young to die.
Stupid dope. Stupid heroine. Stupid everything.

Scary's on the wall
Scary's on the wall

Watch where you spit
I'd advise you wait until it's over
Then you got hit
And you shoulda known better


And we die young
Faster we run

Down, down, down you're rollin'
Watch the blood float in the muddy sewer
Take another hit
And bury your brother

And we die young
Faster we run

Scary's on the wall
Scary's on his way

Another alley trip
Bullet seek the place to bend you over
Then you got hit
And you shoulda known better

Faster we run
And we die young

One year ago today

One year ago today, my friend Andy passed away. He was killed in a fatal car crash, in Fullerton in the early morning hours. It was a horrific accident, the pictures still floo me, and I have a really hard time swallowing the fact that he's gone. We weren't best friends or anything like that. But I met him when we were 16 or 17, and he was the nicest guy ever, one of the most loveable people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, and when he died, the world lost a great man. He was so talented. And so short!! Haha... he was a little shorter than me, and we joked about that every time we talked. He got me started on Newcastle... lol... which I fervently hated... but is now my favorite beer. Thanks Andy. For the newcastle, and for the memories. You remain in my thoughts, my friend.

Life is so short. Time goes by, so fast. Cherish every day, because you just never know if tomorrow will come or not. We can say our lives are in our hands, but we have no control over the actions of others. Unfortunately, sometimes it is the actions of others, that lead us to destruction, and demise.
Andy was also known as Andrew Martinez, Mr. Pink, Little guy, and most commonly.... Andy DeMize. He was the drummer in the Nekromantix, he was also previously a drummer with the Rocketz. Celebrity wasn't his thing. Music was. But if you met him in a bar, it'd be like meeting up with an old friend you've known your whole life. So, raise your glasses, and have a Newcastle or 3 for Andy.
I miss you Andy. Cheers.
Two killed, two hurt when car careens off 57 freeway

Car ignites trees; driver and a passenger arrested in Fullerton crash...
By BARBARA GIASONE
The Orange Count. Register

FULLERTON – Two people are dead and two critically injured after an early morning crash off the 57 freeway south of Imper..ial Highway, Fullerton Fire Operations Chief Gary Dominguez said... Freeway lanes were inter..mitte..ntly shut down and traffic tied up until 11 a.m.

The vehicle was traveling south bound on the 57 freew..ay when the driver lost control, went over an embankment.. and hit a tree The car burst into flames, igniting a grove of eucalyptus trees The driver and another passenger either were ejected or fled the scene, officials said.

Firefighters responded to reports of a fire in eucalyptus trees at 4:40 a.m. and found the car with the two dead occupants at the base of the trees along a strawberry field, Dominguez said The driver later called 911 from a nearby strawberry field seeking medical attention, according to CHP Sgt. Paul Pines, who was investigating the accident at the scene. The driver was arrested on suspicion of DUI; the driver and the surviving passenger, who also was arrested, were taken to UCI Medical Center. Dominguez said they were listed in critical condition.

According to Pines, the vehicle was so badly twisted and shredded it was barely recognizable as a vintage Chevy Nova.

"I've neve seen a car like this," he said... "As for the condition of the car and people in it, pretty bad."

The SigAlert backed up traff..ic much of the morning as officers intermittently closed all lanes for investigations at the scene. All lanes were reopened at 11 a.m.

The CHP is handling the accident, Dominguez said Neither further details of the crash nor the names of the victims currently were available.