Thoughts for the day.

I am more in touch with myself now than I have ever been. I did my first solitary full moon ritual last night.... SKYCLAD!! I was so proud of myself. There was no one to un-impress, but I think I did a great job with it. Also, I did a "An it harm none, do as ye will" for a few people, it felt great. Even better because Jeff participated with me.

I am really frustrated right now. I've had a migraine for literally 43 days. They've done all kinds of things to get rid of it, and nothing is working. Tuesday, I go see the doctor. It is hard to function, and my chron's disease is giving me fits. I feel like I am whining, but seriously... I am so sick of being sick. Every day for 9 days I have been sick. I've only thrown up twice, but the stomach pain, irritability, and pain stemming from it is debilitating. I am physically ran down.

I am headed to the coast in a couple of hours, to meet my dad. He headed there tuesday, & Jeff & I are meeting him there tonight, through sunday, for some family time. I am secretly concerned that it may be the last chance I have for this. I am frustrated with time. Trying to do everything, be everywhere, and get everything done while feeling 10% well is the pits. I'm so dizzy right now, the room is spinning all around me, but I can't stop. I have to go take a shower, do my hair & makeup. Finish the laundry. FUCK vacuuming.. I was going to do that, but I have too much other stuff to do... Pack... go to auto oil changers & ask them why my car is leaking oil now, when it wasn't when I took it there... and drive to Morro Bay afterwards. I forgot the part about going to the store & picking up Jeff from work.

I'm just frustrated. And Jeff called me on the phone asking me what capris I was asking for... and his attitude was shitty. I didn't do anything. His attitude sucked though, and it brings me down when he's shitty to me for no reason, and it doesn't phase him at all... its his normal mode, so, I don't ever know how to handle it.
He wants to know if we're paying my dad [for my insurance policy] with a check, and of course I don't know.. so I called my dad to find out... twice... and he's not answering. He has a cell phone, but won't answer it. Has a cell phone, but won't set up the voice mail. Has a cell phone but refuses to learn to text... what is the point of paying $60 a month for a cell phone, when you choose to not use it??

See.... a rather pointless blog... but shit I had to get off my chest. I feel like I'm gonna throw up. I need less stress. Ironic, how no matter how happy I am, stress is still in the center of it all.

I should have a PhD in self sabbotage.

This relationship is really important to me... an odd twist... since normally I can't be bothered to give a shit. But I like this guy. Furthermore... I love him. No doubt about it. This is a definite first. So... I give a shit if I screw it up. I have this.. wall.. that I am told rivals the great wall of China. I'm pretty sure they're all right, who make such accusations. I don't do it on purpose... but I inevitably do it, with anything good in my life. Well.... tonight, the wall went up. I don't want it up... but I do not know how to take it down.

It is always the stupid small shit that makes me snap. In every situation in life. My car breaks down, I'm fine. We break the racecar, I'm fine. I get diagnosed with cancer, I'm fine. But I can't find my favorite inkpen, or the CD I want to hear, or the button pops off my fucking sweater.. and I flip. It is ridiculous. And I know it!

BUT, what am I supposed to do? That is of course a rhettorical question. Lori says, "let it go, it's in the past, it is going to eat you alive, just flush it out of your mind" of course she is absolutely right, but it isn't that easy. At least not for me. I have piss poor coping skills... to be so educated, and "emotionally sound" to fix other people's problems... I can't fix my own shit. Go figure.

So I see some stupid shit. Pictures of my guy, with pictures of other girls, that I totally don't want to see, and of course was not intended to see... but it was an honest accident, and when I saw what it was, the accident turned into an on purpose. But at least I am honest about it. It sets me off. Nevermind that it is in the past and is totally over... and with most of the girls, there isn't anything to be "over" ... it is just... people, he knows.... but then I over analyze. I see a picture of him stepping out of a pool... swimming trunks only, on... and he's the only one in the picture. Let's analyze this: Hot guy, single, in a picture, stepping out of a pool, no one else around - at least not close enough to be in photo range, not at his own house - it is at someone else's, there is absolutely, no way in hell, Nyx herself could convince me that it wasn't a female who took that picture. This is where it gets tricky. The female that I know that is present, is his best friend's girlfriend. Why, would his best friend's girlfriend take a candid & extremely sexy picture, of her boyfriend's best friend? not for any good reason. This makes me think... is something else there? Maybe not with him but with her? Is? Was? Will be? And while I worrying about the ridiculous... what if the sky falls and crushes us?

Yeah. I know it is extremely stupid. I really, do. But that is my thought process.
I really, really... hate it. I hate also, that it doesn't stop at one open ended thought, it just takes me further down the mother fucking rabbit hole.
I am a very jealous person. I do not trust... anyone really. I try, and get fucked over every single time. So, with him I am trying so hard to make everything different. I have no reason to distrust him. He treats me like the Goddess I never will be... and he is so, genuinely amazing... that I sincerely, hate myself right now for feeling this way. It really upsets me, not him... not the pictures... just... the fact that those thoughts even enter my mind when it isn't earned.

So I write myself a note:
Note to self:
Dear self,
Put your wall in the right fucking place. Shut down the people who deserve it, and use it tokeep the bad energy you hate so much away from you. Don't put it up against the person that loves you, don't push him away because you're an idiot, stop killing your own happines... stop screwing up shithead!

And on that note... I'm feeling rather emo. So of course, I'm going to go scrub the bathtub.
I don't deserve him. Plainnnn and simple.