A poem worth reading. [Dedicated to Lt. Matt Parker, USMC]

My dad sent me this. I found it... priceless. And true.



> He was getting old and paunchy
> And his hair was falling fast,
> And he sat around the Legion,
> Telling stories of the past.
>
> Of a war that he once fought in
> And the deeds that he had done,
> In his exploits with his buddies;
> They were heroes, every one.
>
> And 'tho sometimes to his neighbors
> His tales became a joke,
> All his buddies listened quietly
> For they knew whereof he spoke.
>
> But we'll hear his tales no longer,
> For ol' Bob has passed away,
> And the world's a little poorer
> For a soldier died today.
>
> He won't be mourned by many,
> Just his children and his wife.
> For he lived an ordinary,
> Very quiet sort of life..
>
> He held a job and raised a family,
> Going quietly on his way;
> And the world won't note his passing,
> 'Tho a soldier died today.
>
> When politicians leave this earth,
> Their bodies lie in state,
> While thousands note their passing,
> And proclaim that they were great.
>
> Papers tell of their life stories
> From the time that they were young
> But the passing of a soldier
> Goes unnoticed, and unsung.
>
> Is the greatest contribution
> To the welfare of our land,
> Some jerk who breaks his promise
> And cons his fellow man?
>
> Or the ordinary fellow
> Who in times of war and strife,
> Goes off to serve his country
> And offers up his life?
>
> The politician's stipend
> And the style in which he lives,
> Are often disproportionate,
> To the service that he gives.
>
> While the ordinary soldier,
> Who offered up his all,
> Is paid off with a medal
> And perhaps a pension, small.
>
> It's so easy to forget them,
> For it is so many times
> That our Bobs and Jims and Johnnys,
> Went to battle, but we know,
>
> It is not the politicians
> With their compromise and ploys,
> Who won for us the freedom
> That our country now enjoys.
>
> Should you find yourself in danger,
> With your enemies at hand,
> Would you really want some cop-out,
> With his ever waffling stand?
>
> Or would you want a soldier--
> His home, his country, his kin,
> Just a common soldier,
> Who would fight until the end.
>
> He was just a common soldier,
> And his ranks are growing thin,
> But his presence should remind us
> We may need his like again.
>
> For when countries are in conflict,
> We find the soldier's part
> Is to clean up all the troubles
> That the politicians start.
>
> If we cannot do him honor
> While he's here to hear the praise,
> Then at least let's give him homage
> At the ending of his days.
>
> Perhaps just a simple headline
> In the paper that might say:
> "OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING,
> A SOLDIER DIED TODAY."
>
> Pass On The Patriotism!
> YOU can make a difference
>
>
>
> A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life,
>
> wrote a blank check made payable to
> 'The United States' for an amount "up to and including my life."
> That is Honor, and there are way too many people
>
> in this country who no longer understand

In loving memory of USMC Lt. Matthew Parker, MIA 2003 discovered KIA August 14 2006. Kandahar by way of Camp Lejune, NC, by way of New Orleans, La. Born to be a Marine, Died a proud Marine, doing what you loved. I never stopped looking for you my friend. You're not the only one, but you were the last I got word of. Thanks for pushing me so hard, and believing in me. Sorry I didn't listen. I'll never forget. And every time I stand for the pledge of allegiance, and stand silent for our National Anthem, or defend our soldiers to IDIOTS, and when the tears sting my eyes, I remember you, with the 12 others I lost in "that period of time" but your voice still rings loud in my ears. "You can do anything you want chere." ... "The sky is yours." .... "Your heart is braver than most of my men." ... " I'd be proud to have you in my unit, but you probably take my job." ... "You can do this chere, don't listen to them." ... "Don't be distracted by no one." Matt had a cajun meets southern accent. He was a good man to the bone. Had these words tattooed across his shoulders: Semper Fidelis. And he was.



Just because I don't speak, doesn't mean I've forgotten. I'm still, so very proud of you, old friend. I wish, I had listened.

Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

There are many things I need to forgive me for. None of which I am prepared to actually do yet. Starting with my temper, and the resolute level of temperment that doesn't simmer down. The biggest thing I have to forgive is... being a civilian.

[Raptor]

I don't think I was ever intended to be a civilian. I was pre-destined to be military like I was predestined to be awesome with shears & makeup. I... should be up every day at 0430, at the gym at 0500, reporting for flight briefings by 0630 and in the air, in a JET all day long. Touch & goes, flight ops, bombing runs, and aircraft carriers, breaking the sound barrier.


[Super Hornet]

Doing my part. BUT I'm not. The mistakes leading me up to THIS path, I may never forgive myself for. I don't know that I'd have been ABLE to carry through with that dream.

[Joint Strike Fighter]

My health hasn't been great... ever, really. But especially since I was 15. So the question is, would it be better, if I was living my #1 dream? Can't say. I can say, I can't even complete school for dream #2, because of said health issues. Will I ever forgive these things? Probably not. Will I ever voice the other things I need to forgive myself for? Probably not. I'm too much of a masochist for that kind of catharsis.

[[&&In case anyone is feeling the need to be a smartass, I realize that the Hornet/Super Hornet is a crossover jet and that one type of JSF will be Navy, another will be USMC and the majority will be airforce and that the Raptor will go to the highest bidder. So, save critical commentary for someone who will not crush you in this argument.]]

Day 02: Something you love about yourself.

Day 02: Something you love about yourself.

Much harder to identify what I love.
I suppose I love my ability TO love. I love that I don't see myself as "above reading", I love that I'd rather read the book than watch the movie. I love that I am analytical enough that I dive further into things mentally than necessary & learn much along the way. I love that even though I am broken, fucked up, cynical & full of anger... that I am still able to help people, and pass along important messages. Help other people not repeat my mistakes. I am also still able to cry, I guess that means a large part of me is still alive... despite what I'd believe. I love that I can write as well as I can, and I love that I am different than anyone & everyone else, and I especially love that I am undefinable.



I love that I can rock any look I want, when I put in the effort and that I am as diverse as I am, and I love to know that as much as I hate myself I can always bounce back.

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.

Where to start. I hate... my emotions. My past. My health. & my temper. I have fantastic intentions all the time, but usually something gets in the way of my finishing it. Making me an excellent starter and a piss poor finisher. I hate... that my favorite thing to do is read, and it causes me the most physical pain, giving me a migraine if I read more than 5 or 6 pages. I hate, that I am so emotionally susceptible to... everything. I hate that my anger turns to saddness.

But most of all, I hate, that every single one of those things I listed that I hate up there, ball up into the same ONE singular thing I hate about myself.



I hate that I used to love, and trust so easily, because I believed that people were real & sincere, and because of my own naivety I am one of the most jaded cynical people I've ever encountered & I am entirely unapolagetic about it, because it has been earned. Everyone whose ever been anyone in my life has seriously hurt me, burned me, trashed me, used me, abused me, and then of course... left. My dad has never left, I'm thankful for that. Last year I started over. A new course of people, starting in october really, although I should say it started with Melanie showing me something in myself I hadn't seen before. Melanie was the gateway to me believing in starting over. Granted my dad told me forever, but you know what its like. Your parents or the person closest to you sees the best in you & takes your side right or wrong, so it becomes commonplace to hear it & appreciate it but not see it as fathomable. But I did. I officially MET Melanie in April of last year, our communication was scant, but later in the year she was there for me when LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE SO CALLED FRIEND I HAD IN THIS TOWN TURNED THEIR BACK ON ME. She made me feel human again. So did her mom. My dad saw a change in me. I started to let people in & shut others out. Because of this I met Lj, who then introduced me to Kelly, Shannah, & David & Aimee & Christine.... I also met Anna because of Melanie, and Lauren, therefore Liz, and its like a family tree that blossoms out. Jeff came along later, November, with him came other new people, that I also cherish. Michelle, Arcadio, and so on.... Of course my closest friend, Evie never left. Oddly enough, I've never met her. ;)

In this process of growth, [reffering back to what I hate about myself] friendships died that I never saw dying. I was burned harder, the cuts were deeper & the "friendships" closer. Friendships like Saida, Cristal, Kaci, Cary, Andrea [whom I've known for 13 years, & decided to hate me for something she invented, blaming me for something I didn't do...] and unfortunately the list goes on. I hate, that these things bother me. I feel it should have no affect on me because I should be immune to it by now. But I'm not, and I hate that about myself.

Now I have people in my life, some have been here a year, two years, others just a few months, but the question remains who will end up being an actual friend, being close to me, and who is just passing through.

I hate, that I will probably always wonder.

<3



that's it for day one. Tune in tomorrow for more shit you may or may not want to read about me.

30 days of blog

So this is from another website. Write a new blog everyday based on whatever day it is. Be honest. Even if you can't share it, write it for yourself & make it private. Pass it on.

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02: Something you love about yourself.
Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13; A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18; Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20; Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

My letter & plea for medical help.

This is the letter I sat down & wrote. I am sending it to Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, "The Doctors", UCLA, UCSF, UC Davis, Johns Hopkins, Duke, Stanford, Sansom Clinic. Those are all I've thought of, and that my friends have suggested. If you have further suggestions, please fill me in.
_______________________________________________________________________
Before I was walking, my mother set me on a concrete picnic bench at a park, and turned her back & I fell head first & hit right on my hairline in the middle of my forehead on a concrete floor. To this minute I have a cranial “lump” where I hit my head, that I try to hide with my bangs. I have told every doctor that has ever treated me, and they never look into it, they slough it off like it is no big deal. I remember being in first grade and second grade and having headaches so bad it affected the way I would hear the teacher & see the board. I always had to be moved to the front of the classroom. When I was 9, they became noticeably worse; I attribute it to hormones because that is when I hit puberty. When I was 15 I was officially diagnosed with migraines. I have had these “headaches” as long as I can remember. Now at the age of 26, I can honestly say that I get them almost daily. They start as an agitating headache & progress rapidly into a migraine. At least 3 days out of the week, my light sensitivity and sound sensitivity get so bad, that I have to have total silence, I cannot drive, I cannot go outside, I cannot have the lights on, and I throw up violently. When I am lucky, and do not throw up, the nausea is unbearable. Caffeine has been known to help, although not remove the headache. I have been on every migraine medication that I have ever heard of, so many, that I have honestly lost track of the mental list. Some made me worse, others just made me catatonic. Others still yet (Depacote, Topomax) gave me such awful side effects that there was no way to distinguish whether or not there was improvement. Migraines are by far the worst malady I suffer, however, not the only. When I was 16 I was sent in for a colonoscopy because of stomach problems I was having, and was diagnosed with Gastritis & Irritable Bowel Syndrome (the latter, I dismissed, thinking the doctor was giving me a generic diagnosis, not taking me seriously.) When I was either 20, or 21, I was diagnosed with Chron’s Disease, Chron’s Colitis, and Irritable bowel disease. This was after a 4 day stay in the hospital, from chronic diarrhea & vomiting leading to severe dehydration. The doctor at the emergency room (from where I was admitted) had the foresight to check both my upper GI tract as well as my lower, and referred me to a gastroenterologist for follow-up. I still suffer Chron’s flairs constantly. I’m in a really bad catch 22, because the migraines make me stressed, the stress triggers Chron’s, I get violently sick, which makes my headaches worse. Needless to say it affects my mental disposition, makes my depression worse, makes me more stressed, triggers my Chron’s, makes my headaches worse. Or I have an anxiety attack, which triggers a migraine, and then my Chron’s gets worse, which makes me more depressed/anxious/stressed. I’ve gotten so sick, on several occasions, that I have to go to the ER to get rehydrated, because I cannot keep down fluids or food. On a daily basis, every muscle, every joint in my body hurts so bad that normal life function is almost impossible. In addition to this, when I was 16 I was misdiagnosed with Endometriosis, and the gynecologist gave me a shot of Lupron as a solution, putting my body through fake menopause. It has left me with a myriad of side effects that still plague me to this day. I have “female issues” that are quite extensive, including dysmenorrheal that when allowed to have a menstrual cycle, is so bad I literally am unable to stand and walk, so we’re constantly rotating types of birth control to stop my periods. At the moment it is Depo-Provera, which I am having luck with in THAT department, but I am well aware that one of the many side effects is increased, more severe headaches. I can’t win. I cannot get proper medical treatment, because I cannot afford insurance. I cannot hold a job, because I always end up too sick, and get fired or asked to quit. I miss too much time. Therefore I have no income. I have been denied disability because I am only 26 and do not “have enough work history.” I have been denied SSI three times, and am filing again, this time I’m hoping an attorney will help me with my case so I can get medical help. As it stands, I am miserable; I am unable to live my daily life. I cannot afford Botox, or any Triptan medications, although they didn’t help much anyway, the only thing that ever gave me temporary relief was the Imitrex injections, but even those didn’t last. Imitrex nasal spray made me worse, and Imitrex pills made me have rebound headaches worse than the original migraine. Midrin did nothing, Zomig did nothing, there are many others, but as I mentioned, I cannot remember all of their names. My pain gets so bad, I get halos, then my vision gets blurry, and I go “blind” so to speak, I cannot make anything out. I cannot eat normal healthy foods, because vegetables make my Chron’s ten times worse, I cannot eat the unhealthy fried foods, because they make me sick, I cannot eat anything hot or spicy because it renders me sick for several days. I have cut so much out of my diet that there is not much I CAN eat because of how sick it makes me. Eating is a stressor, because inevitably anything I eat makes me sick. My Chron’s is not under control with medication, again because of no money or insurance. I have been to so many neurologists, and gastroenterologists (when I was married, I am not long since divorced) and none of them were able to help me. Gastroenterologists’ tried various medications until they stopped working, and then resolved to not knowing what else to do, and passed me along to another doctor. The same thing happens with neurologists. When I get passed to a new doctor, they start me over at square one and I have to go through the whole routine again, I’m like a car, stuck in the mud. The wheels are turning but I’m not getting anywhere. I have been to UCLA, UCSF, Sansom Clinic, and Dr. Neil Raskin at UCSF referred me back to my hometown neurologist, who said, “I’ve done everything I know to do, and I am not sure what else to do to help you.” UCLA told me to change my diet & do yoga, I told her that I did do yoga and had been doing it for a few years at that time, and she said, then there was nothing she could do to help me because everything she would advise to try had already been done, I did try the diet change (again) that she suggested because I know as we age our bodies change. When I first was diagnosed, my neurologist had me cut out itemized things one at a time to make sure it wasn’t an allergen that was causing it. None of the foods at the time proved to be the cause, but, since I was older when I went to UCLA, I did it again, but had the same results. Sansom Clinic had ideas for treatment that required me to stay for 2 weeks, but I was financially unable to afford the stay at that time, and very soon after (within months, and before I was able to afford it) I lost my insurance, because I turned 18. I come from a single parent household, my mother is deceased, and my father is disabled and cannot afford to give me financial assistance, as he barely gets by. I have no other family. When I go to the ER, they have a special county program that I have to jump through hoops for (and I do) and it is supposed to pay for the ER visit and subsequent medication & hospital stay when admitted and the doctor that I see while I am there. Somehow, everytime, 3-5 months later, I am sent bills, for thousands of dollars, hence another trigger of stress & panic & desperation, hence another trigger of major migraine & severe Chron’s flair, and another trip to the ER, add that to my catch 22. I have tried biofeedback, acupuncture, acupressure, botox, yoga, medications, Cranial Sacro Therapy, none help me more than temporarily. I am pleading, for someone, to please help me find the cause to cure it, and not just treat the symptoms. I have since then declined health wise to the point that yoga kills me, pain wise, and I am literally, in constant pain twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. It is negatively affecting my relationship and the rest of my life in general. I even had to literally fight to keep my driver’s license, because one doctor wanted to send paperwork to the state and have my license revoked. If that were to happen, I couldn’t legally get my disable father to the doctor or hospital in case of emergency, or myself, since sometimes I am the only option to get myself there, and that would potentially get me arrested, because I could not pay the fine, adding more stress adding more illness. PLEASE, if you cannot help me, can you refer, or recommend me to someone who can? There has to be an organization somewhere willing to help me, that I just haven’t found, although I have been researching for years. My dad is in poor health, he is going to be 66 in October, and has been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is fighting cancer for the second time, and this is causing him a great deal of stress as I am his only child & he worries what is going to happen to me, if something happens to him. We are the only family each other has.
I thank you, very much for your time in reading this, and any consideration and/or cooperation that you give my circumstance.
Very Respectfully,
Faith Lowery
..............
Visalia, Ca. 93277
(559) --- ----
(559) --- ----
Scarletmaleficent@yahoo.com –or- xxxxxxxxxx@xxxxxxxxxx
(The latter is my father’s, as most days, it is extremely difficult for me to look at a computer screen, and I often do not get to check my email as a result.)

This is the surgery I'm contemplating

Migraine Relief